The Greatest Twilight Princess Fanfiction Ever
by Jippers
Summary: After TP parody. Link is heart broken after Midna leaves, because they can't be together. Link is depressed for awhile. Some stuff happens, then Link and Midna get married and have a baby. Bad summary, even worse story. Ch23: HAHAHAHA LOL.
1. The Introduction Chapter of Sorts

**The Greatest "Twilight Princess" Fanfiction in the History of Ever. by Jippersss.**

**Legend of Zelda copyright Nintendo. Crappy ideas copyright YOU. ohwut.**

"Link, I... See you later, bitch~" Midna declared cooly, throwing a peace sign to both Link and Zelda, before shattering the Mirror and ultimately fucking every MidLinker in the universe up the ass. Said MidLinkers baaw'd in responce, claiming to then hate and despice "Twilight Princess" for all of eternity... but still playing the game 50-bajillion-times over and then writing crappy fanfiction about it. Hey... that sounds familiar...

Zelink fans cheered in glee as Link stood upon the Mirrors ashes, awe struck. "What the french toast? That fool totally played me over. Ahh, Midna! You crazy bitch!" he laughed good naturedly, shaking his first in the air, before crying like the little pink loving girl he was.

The neglected Princess Zelda placed a regal hand upon his shoulder. "Don't be sad, Link. Midna did what she thought was best, blah blah. I would have done the same thing ("The Leaving-Your-Ass part, I mean.") blah blah. There are, like, plenty of other fish in the sea."

Link faced her then, anger reflected in his totally beast-like blue contacts---I mean, eyes. "What the hell! Where could I possibly find another girl who has a game named after them, along with a smokin' hot body, aaaaand a high status? Damn it ZELDA, you're not my TWILIGHT PRINCESS!"

Zelda dimly began to look at her elegantly manicured nails, unamused. "Well, Link. I suppose you could, like, I dunno... _look right in front of you!!_"

Link did the exact opposite: looking right _over_ her. "Epona?" he asked, as said horse was nibbling on some grass (she looked rather attractive, Link noted, with her sexy horse ass up in the air like---bad thoughts, baaaad thoughtsss.). "Well... I guess we could---"

"Screw it, Link. Get the fuck outta' here."

"GOD! NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME!!" Link ran.

-------------------------

Back ORDON.

"Damn... I wonder when Link's gunna get back..." Ilia mumbled to herself, fiddling with a few various items. "...I'm getting pretty tired of looking through all of his crap..." Just then, she heard the sound of horse hooves pounding against the ground. As the steps grew nearer, Ilia sat up, casually tossing a book titled "_LINKS PRECIOUS CHILDHOOD MEMORIES-DO NOT BURN (THAT MEANS YOU, ILIA)_" into a fire and dusting off her skirt as she exited Links tree house.

(AN: ohemgee, and they say he's not an elf~~lulz. What kind of self respecting, pointy eared person would build their house in a tree? lululzlulzlulz. What trade did his parents take part in? Cookie baking? Shoe making? It's as if he's _trying_ to set himself up for a lifetime of failure...)

-----OMG TO BE CONTINUED.


	2. The Infamous Return to Ordon Chapter

**Hey ya'll. It's Chapter two. Thank for ya'lls reviews/comments/whatever. I hope this follow-up chapter has enough sustance to keep you entertained. I also have to add that I put, like, five minutes of effort into this (meaning I worked RELLY HARD!!) so plz PLZ PLZ REVIEW1!!!111ONE. This piece of cra---I mean, fiction is intended to be humourous. Any amount of butt-hurt recieved is entirely unintentional and pointless.**

**Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess (c) Nintendo.**

**Crappy Fanfiction Ideas (c) U.**

------

**Chapter Two**** (pretty much.)**

**"The Infamous Return to Ordon Chapter"**

**Summary**: Discontent with his now boring life as a farm kid, Link---quite selfishly---abandons his childhood home of Ordon _annnnd_ the very people who raised him in order to find adventure and reunite/get into bed with some blue-alien-babe who left him at the alter. TYPICAL MAN.

--------

Ilia heard the sound of horse hooves pounding against the ground. As the steps grew nearer, Ilia sat up, casually tossing a book titled "_LINKS PRECIOUS CHILDHOOD MEMORIES-DO NOT BURN (THAT MEANS YOU, ILIA)_" into a fire and dusting off her skirt as she exited Links tree house.

Upon her exit, the blonde spotted a figure silhouetted in the darkness---the very image of emoness. Ilia was unfazed as she approached the figure, and after taping the silhouettes shoulder lightly, gave him an enourmous hug. "Link! You're back!" she squealed, hugging him tighter. "I'm so happy that you're back!"

Pushing her off of him abruptly, Link gave Ilia a wide-eyed look (His blue iris' glimmering in the moonlight. Oh, Link, you're so dreamy.) and pressed his lips into a hard line. Ilia was confused, and concerned, about her childhood friends behavior. Had something happened during his adventures? "Link," Ilia began, "is something wrong?"

"ILIA, I'M SORRY, I JUST DON'T FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT YOU."

"What are you talking about?"

"I LOVE YOU LIKE A SISTER." Link replied robotically.

"Uhh, okay? Link, you're my best friend, and if anything is wron--"

"GOD DAMN IT WOMAN. STOP TRYING TO CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE."

Ilia said nothing, but Link still rambled on.

"YOU'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND--NO ONE WILL EVER UNDERSTAND!!"

Ilia started backing away, slowly... slowly...

"I DESERVE LOVE! _I DESERVE LOOOOOVE!!_"

**----**

**To be continued...**

**LINK. THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN. and ****pointless Ilia bashing. Couldn't forget that. ****I ddidn't like the second part of the chapter. I felt as if I was trying too hard to be funny, but failing. Anyway, I'm going to re-write it. It might be reposted soon, in a separate chapter. so yay.**


	3. The Things Change Chapter

**Hey ya'll. It's Chapter THREE. Thank for ya'lls reviews/comments/whatever. I hope this follow-up chapter has enough sustance to keep you entertained. I also have to add that I put, like, five minutes of effort into this (meaning I worked RELLY HARD!!) so plz PLZ PLZ REVIEW1!!!111ONE. This piece of cra---I mean, fiction is intended to be humourous. Any amount of butt-hurt recieved is entirely unintentional and pointless.**

**Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess (c) Nintendo.**

**Crappy Fanfiction Ideas (c) U.**

**----------------**

**Chapter Three (fo sho.)**

**"The THINGS CHANGE Chapter"**

Ilia sat up in her bed, unable to rest her weary head down and go to sleep. It was within the latest hours of the night and the mayor's daughter had assumed that everyone in the residence of Ordon was already asleep.

The uneasiness of her mind showed clearly on her modest features; her friend Link was beginning to concern her gravely. Ever since he came back from his adventures, the Hylian had not been himself at all. He hasn't been this tense since the first time she and him had sex together. Everyone in the entire village noticed it, too, but in the upmost respect had they decided to ask him nothing of it. Wounds take time to heal, after all (if you know what I mean, and boy, do I mean.).

It had been over a month since Link had made his return, and he refused to speak to anyone. He wouldn't even speak to his mentor, Rusl, who the boy had considered a fatherly figure, seeing as he didn't have one. (1) The poor little bastard. Nope, Link had gone along ignoring the very people whom raised and loved ever since he was a little bundle of blankets in a basket left on their doorstep. Inscribed on a note attached to the basket wrote: "It's name is Link. Have fun."

The best morals are taught only in Ordon, afterall.

He shows his face in the morning, Link does, to do his chores. Herd a little bit of goats now and again. And scurry on inside his house like a little old prune. The nerve of that boy! And what of poor old Epona?! Certainly a horse needs food? excersise? attention and affection? somebody to clean up her shit?! for Din's sake little orphan boy! Grab that shovel and get to work! I just washed my shoes yesterday!

Ilia laid back in her pillows then, her face full with a new found determination. It's final, she decided, she's going to talk to Link tomorrow, in the bright and in the early. And figure out what the hell was going on. Even if she had to tie him down and force it outta him!! (Ilia knew her brawn could not outmatch that of Links, but it was worth a shot right? Ilia took after her dear father, afterall. And her father was a very, very strong man.)

------

NEXT MORNING (how unexpected...)

"Great herdin', partner!" Fado generically stated as he watched robo-Link finish up another round of good ol' Ordon goat wranglin'.

Yee haw says the cowboy. The cowboy says yee haw.

robo-Link gives him a magnetic stare. "DOES NOT COMPUTE." he proclaimed.

"Link?"

"DOES NOT COMPUTE."

"You okay there little buddy?"

"DOES NOT COMPUTE. DOES NOT COMPUTE."

"Damn, Link" Fado shifted uneasily. "When did ya get to become such a _monotonous bore_?"

"SYSTEMS OVER LOADING. DATA IS CORRUPT. DOES N-NOT COMPuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute-pssssssssssh."

and he fainted.

"LAAAAAAANK!" Fado screamed... in horror.

------------------

**omg. cliff hanger.**

**I'm so awesome.**

**Thanks for all the reviews, ya'll. They make me happy inside. I might not reply to them, but golly-jee-willikers I sure do like to read em'!! Thanks fer yer supportin', fellas. Ya'll come back now, ya here?**

**and yes. Link is still in stoic robot mode from the last chapter.**

**and hell yeh. This chapter isn't too gewd.**

(1. even though the offical TP website _clearly_ stated-in-small-text that Rusl was like _an older brother_, people still insist on making him the father to Link. but Nayru damn, who has the time to read these days? Certainly not an important figure such as yourself. Not that I don't like the idea myself. I think either Bo or Rusl would be appropriate fatherly figures for our Link.)


	4. The Authors Note Chapter

**Hey guys. Sorry for the lack of updates.**

**It's just that: I hate my life so much right now. My computer is broken, useless. School is totally draining out my chill time, and my boyfriend of twenty minutes just broke up with me!! Sniffle, i'm so useless. ;o; i JUST WANNA GO HIDE UNDER MY BED AND LISTEN TO MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE. Their songs convey my dark feelings!! Only they understand how I feel!**

**I wish Link would hold me in his arms and whisk me away to another land! That would be so bad ass, you know? Me getting sucked into my Wii and ending up in Hyrule for some random reason (no years of later therapy included!). And there, everyone would love me because I'm so beautiful, and perfect, and angelic, and pure, and STD free.**

**and I checked my story stats. YOU GUYS. TEN FUCKING REVIEWS. ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME?!!! THAT IS THE WEAKEST SHIT EVER!! GOD! YOU ALL MUST HATE ME AND MY STORIES!!! I PUT MY HEART AND SOUL INTO THIS THING AND WHAT DO I GET FOR IT???!! JACK-DIDDLY-SQUAT!!! I HATE YOU ALL!!!**

**REVIEW DAMN IT!!!**

**I'LL KICK A PUPPY IF YOU DON'T!!!**

**lots of puppies.**

**you don't think i'm serious.**

**but i am.**

**i'll go str8 to the fuckkiing pet store,**

**and buy a basket full of puppies.**

**and kick **

**EVERY **

**SINGLE**

**ONE **

**OF **

**THEM**

**into the ground.**

**YOU GOT THAT PAL?!?!?!?!?!?**

**look,**

**i got my car keys.**

**i'm getting inside!!!**

**driving to the pet store...**

**YES SIR. DO YOU HAVE ANY PUPPIES?**

**no?**

**damn.**

**FUCK YOU AND FUCK PUPPIES.**


	5. The Dream Sequence Chapter

**Hey ya'll. It's Chapter FIVE. Thank for ya'lls reviews/comments/whatever. I hope this follow-up chapter has enough substance to keep you entertained. I also have to add that I put, like, five minutes of effort into this (meaning I worked RELLY HARD!!) so plz PLZ PLZ REVIEW1!!!111ONE. This piece of cra---I mean, fiction is intended to be humourous. Any amount of butt-hurt recieved is entirely unintentional and pointless.**

**Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess (c) Nintendo.**

**Crappy Fanfiction Ideas (c) U.**

**----------------**

**Chapter Five (I know, I'm amazed too.)**

**"The DREAM SEQUENCE Chapter"**

Link was dreaming. A beautiful, beautiful dream. A beautiful dream that was filled with sugar puff gumdrop clouds and sparkly rainbow unicorns who were actually nice enough to give him a whole jar pilled to the brim will _magical unicorn mayonaise_... how nice! Link thought to himself, It was almost as nice as that one summer he spent at Fat Camp, many many years ago...

Anyway. That is another story entirely (perhaps to be told another time...?).

A shrilly annoying little voice dragged Links attention away from the little piece of perfect standing before him. Link gave an exasperated sigh of defeat before turning his body around a full three hundred and sixty degrees... and then realizing what a dip shit he was and then turning around some one hundred and eighty degrees (Get it? "He's no good at math." ahahahahahahah.).

Before he even had the chance to laugh at the _brilliant_ little joke that one voice in his head had made, Link's jaw dropped to the floor, making a ninety degree angle (Okay. I stop now.).

Standing in the beautiful clear lake was none other than...

Mario! Holy fuck, man, it's fucking _Mario_.

"Mario?" Link called. "Why are you in my dream?" he asked.

Mario, who was washing his armpits next to a unicorn, gave him a dull look then. "Don't look at me you dumb fuck! Look over there!! At her!"

Turning his head a none specific amount of degrees, Link saw his one true love in the history of ever. His eyes nearly bulged out of his skull in childish delight, as he screamed in disbelief. "Midna! It's really, really, _really_ you!!" he cried while skipping across a field of daisies just to reach his love.

Said lover was completely nakid, curling out her blue finger suggestively as she called Link over to her. "Come here you big sexy man, you, and let's make some babies.". Link, on the subject, had never learned where exactly babies came from, but he figured it was something provacatative... _because Midna was nakid_. So he just rolled with it, man... _because Midna was nakid_.

"Freakin' sweet!" Link cheered before ripping off his clothes (mental images.) and pouncing on top of Midna. Much sucking of the face ensued between the two freaks, while Mario and the nameless unicorn stood aside and watched hungrily, licking their lips in desire.

No conversation went on.

But if there had to be _something_, it would probably go like this...

"Midna, why are you here?" Link asked whilst running his hungry fingers between Midna's bright orange locks. "I thought you broke the mirror..."

"It's true. Oh, Link, my love," Midna cried. "I've made a terrible, terrible mistake."

"Then why?" Link also cried, his sapphire iris' shimmered like pools of the purest water as tears threatened to graze across his pale cheeks. Midna took notice of this and shook her head, sighing softly as she quickly kissed every single one of those tears away. "Why?" he moaned once more before letting go completely. "Why did you leave me?"

Midna frowned sadly and lowered her amber gaze. Taking her hero's face in to her hands, she whispered to him: "You know that I would never, ever do anything to hurt you, Link."

"But you did." Link dead panned. Wriggling out of her grasp, Link only stared at her with wide open eyes, red and puffy from his crying. As if he were suddenly mortified by Midna's presence, he cleared his face slack of all and any emotion. "But, y-you _did_," he repeated, his eyes wide and frightening and all knowing in the twilight. "You left me! Hurt me!" he screamed then, before suddenly sniffling in a choked whisper: "was it... was it all just some _ploy_?"

Midna stood up, her voice high and desperate. "Of course it wasn't! You know it was the only way for me to protect you! It was the only way to keep you out of harms way! Please, please believe me! I did it out of love!!" And she grabbed his shoulders and began shaking him savagely, all the while screaming and crying. "I love you Link of Ordon! I always have, and I always will!!"

Link dramatically threw himself onto the ground. Clawing and grasping with outstretched hands at the ground like a wild beast, his eyes saw nothing and his heart spoke out of his mouth: "_Midnaaaaa! Midnaaaaaa! Midnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!! Why must you torment my soooul!! Midnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa_!"

-------

and then he woke up.

"Midnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Link cried, raising himself from upon his bed, sending the bed sheets and the nieghborhood cat, who was unfortunately sleeping upon his chest, out of the nearest window. "Midnnnnnnnnnnnnaaaa!" he screamed again, in cold sweat.

"Link!"

"Midnaaaaaaaaaaaa!'

"Link!"

"Midnaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

"Link, wake _the fuck_ up!"

"Whaaaaa---oh Rusl! Where am I?" Link asked the obvious question as he tried to compose himself (By Link standards, I mean.) and then there was a "what happened to me?"

"Well..." Rusl scratched his chin thoughtfully. "You fainted while herdin' some goats a little while back... we kind of just left you there for a little while... and I eventually brought you over here, to my house. And you started screamin' an hoopin' an hollerin' like crazy! My wife and I woke you up by ways deemed inappropriate... and now we're here!" he reached over then, calling to his wife. "Great job, honey!" and said wife whooped in response.

"Did I..." Link nervously pulled at his colar. "Say _things_... in my sleep?"

"Naw." Rusl replied. "Just a thing or two there about some guy named Midna..."

They sat there ackwardly for a few minutes.

Rusl broke the silence. "Say," he motioned. "Whose's your friend?"

"You mean Midna?" Link replied. "I'd rather not talk about her right now..."

Rusl interrupted. "No, not _her_."

"Huh?" the hero questioned.

"Son," Rusl smiled. "Just look down."

Afraid, Link looked down between his legs to greet his _little buddy_.

"Awwww! Fuck!"

----------

**ohmaigawd, I'm am sooooooooooo sorry about the last chapter. That wasn't even me, man! I don't even have a car... or... or... hey wait----It was... my dark twin.... Dark Jippers The ANGRY Squirrel! She's very mean to me... she hurts me... and pins me down and rapes me till I'm senseless. I don't do anything, of course, I just take it and enjoy it like the little piece of ass I am.**

**Yes. That was a DarkLinkXLink yaoi/rape/whatthefuck reference. **

**Just doing my job here, kids.**

**Anyway.**

**Time for some replies...**

**Ryuchie****: For a lack of better words: thank you kind person! I'm glad this little story of mine can make you laugh... that makes my heart super duper happy and shiz. Hoozah. hope I don't dissapoint~~**

**Twilight Commando****: I would very much like a hug.**

**Midna Hytwilian****: You and me can drool over Link's painted on abs any day, baby. and as for Vaati... hit me up sometime and we can find some puppies (IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.).**

**crouchingninjahiddenwolf****: Dear God your name is hella long. I don't know about you, but I am one hundreeeed perceeeent saaaaaaaaaaaane. Thanks for your kherazyyyyyy reviews, dawg.**

_and one more thing. The conversation between Link and Midna is supposed to pardoy crappy romance (a scene from "Twilight" often came to mind.). So, yes, it's supposed to be ridicoulously sappy and overly expressed with a large amount of adjective sand clitches._

_and above all, remember one thing:_

_Midna and Link are NAKID while speaking._

_Thank you and have a great rest of your evening._

_oh, and the Rusl and Link scene... do I even need to explain myself?_

_------------_


	6. The Midna Regrets Her Mistake Chapter

Hello my little bundles of sunshine. This piece of cra---I mean, fan fiction is intended to be humourous. Solely made for the entertainment of those who are reading (and for myself ofcourse. I get lonely....) Any amount of butt-hurt recieved is entirely unintentional and pointless.

**Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess (c) Nintendo.**

**Crappy Fanfiction Ideas (c) YOU.**

-------------

**Chapter Six (I Can't Believe it's Gotten This Far.)**

**The "MIDNA REGREATS HER 'MISTAKE'" Chapter**

notice the air quotes around "mistake".

...there it is again!

okay moving on.

The castle walls of the Twilight Kingdom were shaded with the vibrant colours of the fading sun, forever blanketed with the lands perpetual twilight. The Twilight Princess Midna sat boredly upon her Throne of Twilight, lazily bouncing the Paddle Ball of Twilight with her mysterious Twilight powers. Frustrated with yet another failed attempt, Midna then slouched down on the Throne of Twilight.

The Throne of Twilight was built of sturdy, gray concrete, and was icy to the touch.

Hmmm, icy? Cold? Empty?

Much like her _love life_.

Let the rueing ensue.

Midna remembered the time she spent in the Light Realm. She remembered all of the faces and all of the experiences. She remembered how exciting, and somewhat frightening, it was to experience something new. To taste, to smell, to touch, to love... Midna thought of her Link, her hero with the blue eyes rivaling the vibrant colours of the bluest lake and with the shining yellow hair that sparkled like the bright sun. Yes, he was very pretty.

"Baaaaw-hhaaaaa! I miss my wolf!" she cried into her hands for the tenth time that day, her thick eye liner of Twilight running down her cheeks in sadness. "Why'd I have to go all noble and break the Mirror (of Twilight.)? Man," her shoulders buckled and she tried to wipe away her tears. "Link---I could of totally tapped that! Damn it!" Furious, she used her Twilight powers to chuck the Paddle Ball of Twilight across the Throne Room of Twilight, where it then proceeded to pummle the living-twilight out of her Twilight attendant, Dimitri.

Dimitri was a young man, a little bit older than Link but not any older than Midna. He had a strange look to him, as most Twili do. With big round eyes and a glowing red mane, his body was marked with the typical tattos and inscriptions that Midna had become familiar with. He might even be considered handsome, if only he wasn't so timid and gullible.

"Dimitri!" Midna called to her lowly friend. With her magical hand... hair, she quickly picked up the Twili man. She placed him upon the arm of her throne, softly brushing away dust off his shoulders and quickly patting him on the head like a puppy dog. "sorry about that," she blushed deeply. "I was thinking, you know how things are..."

"Uhh... princess!" Dimitri squeaked.

"Yes..." Midna said. "What do you want?"

"Your majesty!"

"Yes, I am. Now what do you want?"

"Princess Midna!"

"What?!"

"Must..." Dimitri twitched. "Continiously... repeat one liners... princess!"

Midna slouched down, hands on her hips. "Dimitri," she said cooly, as if talking to a small brained little child (she might as well be, amirite?). "Tell the Princess what you're going to say."

"It's..!" he gasped. "The Mirror!"

Through more gasping, Midna asked. "What about the Mirror?"

"It's..." Wheeeeeeze! "It's... it's!!!"

He fainted.

"Damn it Dimitri! You and your tricks!!" Midna yelled, throwing Dimitri's unconsious body across the room, where he then lamely crashed into a wall. Sliding down to the floor, the Twilight Princess heard a sickening crunching sound. Midna guessed she had given him a concussion. Doing irreversible brain damage, not that he had a good brain to begin with, anyway...Poor thing, she hoped she didn't kill him.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"Your majesty!" another Twili, this one an older woman, burst through the door. And ofcourse, because of sheer bad luck and much hatred from God, Dimitri was unluckily smacked by the large doors and sent flying across the room for the third time that day. There was a crashing sound from where the man had landed and without even glancing Midna guessed they wouldn't be hearing from him _ever again_. Uncaringly she brushed Dimitri clear from her mind and looked towards Anya, the Twili woman, as she caught her breath. "It's the Mirror!" she screamed.

"Yes, Anya! Dimitri established this already. Now what is it?!" Midna sucked in a harsh whip of air through her teeth, apparently every one in the entire kingdom knew something that she didn't. She was starting to feel left out. "Spit it out!" the princess ordered.

Anya wasted no time. "The Mirror has pooped something out!"

_Pooped_? What the fuck?

Instead of questioning her elder's peculiar use of vocabulary (despite how much she wanted to.) Midna stood up, her robes flutter about her slim physique. "pooped something out you say?" Midna asked, and Anya nodded her head furiously. "Pooped something out like _what_?" she said slowly. "Bring it here!"

Anya hurridly nodded once again, beforing leaving the room to beckon the guards inside. A few hushed seconds passed by the time the doors were opened widely once again. Two large guards marched in, carry a limp sack of the something. Midna raised a thin eye brow curiously.

Dumped from the sack of something came out a large wolf, and it proceeded to lay there limply in a puddle of it's own (and Dimitri's) blood. The wolf looked both badly hurt and strangely familiar at the same time, with missing patches of fur and blood running down it's side and onto the floor. Midna stepped closer and closer to the wolf, cautiously tip toeing herself upon her nimble feet. Touching the wolfs forehead, she spotted a strange marking.

Realization hit faster than a Falcon Puch and Midna put her hands to her face in horror. Her chest welled up and clenched around her insides, and she failed to take in air. She didn't know how long she stood there, gasping breathelessly and looking around in silent torment. Was this really happening---no, it had to all be a dream, a sick twisted dream! Yeah-yeah---that's all it was. A dream! Soon, she's wake up in her bedroom. The wolf in front of her not even here---she'd be all alone to her thoughts. She'd light a few erotically scented candles, put a picture of her hero on her pillow and then proceed to stick her fingers right up her-----okay, mabe she'd be better off it this _wasn't_ a dream.

Letting out a shrill cry, the princess screamed.

"Link!"

**-----------------(to be continued.)**

This chapter wasn't very fun. I don't expect any feedback. I hate writing about the Twili as there is little information to thrive off of. Of course that makes room for moar oc's (note: Dimitri is mah oc. isn't he cool? dun use him w/o my permisshun!!) and moar failure. The names Anya and Dimitri were takin from a movie. Can you guess which one?

**reply tiem.**

**Twilight Commando:** You mean.. you... don't... wanna hug me? Then why'd you ask silly?!

**Tricker's Imagination**: Ruined MidLink for you? Psssh, MidLink ruined itself the moment Midna turned into Disney Princess, I mean uh----That's why I'm here, friend. *smilesmile*

**AmayaWindWolf:** baaaw, thanks. I can never get enough of Link and his silly little hormones~~

**Midna Hytwilian: **I assume you got my super duper long reply in your inbox, no? I watched my little sister play Four Swords Adventure the other day, and I thought about those little puppies...

**crouchingninjahiddenwolf:** Twilight Princess ish greater than Twilight. Too bad I can make fun of them both and still be accepted for it, huh? It's amazing!

**SilasCidal:** Brother? meh. close enough. No need to bow, good sir or madam, just doing what I enjoy (writng MidLink pronz, that is). Thanks for your support, friend!

**Ryuchie:** The better question is "Why isn't Mario in everyones wet dreams?" Gawd, that man...

**Duckstapler**: YOUR WELCOME. So, like, are you a stapler shaped like a duck? Or are you a stapler whom staples ducks? I like staplers. Grapadoras, you know? I wouldn't say ALL MidLink is the same (but I'd type it.), there are some rare beauts out there, if you look around too much. xD

**RainyWashington:** lolwhut. Your review was moar cryptic than Link on Viagra.

Thanks for the swell times.

-------------------

anyway, expect gaps between updates. I'm writing this as I go, and have been very sick lately. I've had this bad cough since late December, it's taken effect on my upper respitory system as a result. My eyes, ears, jaw, throat, chest and back hurt and when I'm not gagging on my own saliva, I have to take some shitty pills every six hours or so. As you can imagine, it's not very fun.

take care, my pets.


	7. The Letter From Zelda Chapter

Greetings my little butter cup blooms. This piece of cra-I mean, fan fiction is intended to be humourous. Solely made for the entertainment of those who are reading (and for myself ofcourse. I get lonely...) Any amount of butt-hurt recieved is entirely unintentional and pointless.

**Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess (c) Nintendo.**

**Crappy Fanfiction Ideas (c) YOU.**

**Chapter 7 (still alive, I know, what a shocker.)**

**THE LETTER FROM ZELDA CHAPTER****.**

**(This takes four weeks before the events of Chapter 6.)**

**(so, technically, this is a flash back.)**

**(I know, isn't that soooo cool?)**

**(Look at me and my crazy writing twists!)**

**(I'm such a good writer.)**

**(Go me!)**

**(Fuck yeah!)**

**(okay, moving on.)**

**(NOW.)**

**(Hey, wait...)**

**(my time machine!)**

**(it's malfunctioning!)**

**(Dear God! It has my leeeeggg!)**

**(Ahhhhhhh!)**

**(Oh no! It's spinning out-)**

**(-of-)**

**(-controooool!)**

-17 years earlier, Ordon-

_"So," Links father was talking to his work buddy, Rusl, at the ranch. "The abortionist wasn't in town. Man, my wife and I were in a bit of a jam, then." He laughed at the fond memory, wrapping his arm around Rusl and rubbing his bearded chin thoughtfully. "We eventually decided to just go back to Kakariko, and around eight weeks later our son Link was born!"_

_"You sick bastard!" Rusl cried, mortified._

**-(AHHHHHHH!)-**

-2 years earlier, New York-

_The _FWLWIMPWAEMBWIVG_ (Feminists Who Love Weak Inconfident Male Protagonists Who Are Easily Manipulated By Women in Video Games) were having their weekly meeting. Their leader, a short red headed woman, held up her copy of _The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess_ proudly, and shouted "This... is the greatest... game... __**ever**__!"_

**-(oh sweet baby Jesuuuuuusssss!)-**

-last summer, Kakariko-

_"B-but-but, Midna! Please don't!" Link sobbed as said imp pinned him down to the hotel floor. It was dark out, and everyone was asleep. No one would ever believe Link..._

_"Shut up you blond whore!" Midna spat viciously, slapping said blond whore across the face with her creepy hat/rapist hair. "and take it like the piece of ass you are!"_

_"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOES!"_

**-(take that you shit time machine!)**

**(HAAAAAARRRR!)**

**(Okay.)**

**(It's dead)**

**(Atlast.)**

A week had come and gone since Link had his _little episode_, and for the meantime, things seemed pretty normal in Ordon. Link of course was estatic that things have settled down. _Finally!_ he thought to himself, watching the goats and nibbling contently on a piece of hay. _Finally, finally! Things are looking up for me! Slowly, I'm getting used to my old, humble life with the people I love. I think I can actually live normally, nothing could possibly ruin this moment for me! Nothing!_

And in an abrupt fashion, something did ruin the moment, as several trumpets sirened across the village. It was almost comical, the way Links little heart was slowly crushed inside of him, falling into little pieces and landing at the bottom of his stomach. There, they would lie still for the rest of eternity with absolutely no hope of ever, ever being repaired. Yes, it was very funny.

Defeated, Link dragged his miserable feet to were the trumpet fan fare was coming from. The whole town had gathered around the large entrance gates of Ordon, where they gazed in awe at the newcomers. Link stared too. A squirrel stared in interest also, but nobody gave a shit because animal aren't people, so there for, they aren't important members of society. The squirrel shrugged it's shoulders sadly before scurrying back into it's tree.

ANYWAY, Link looked at the newcomers. They were obviously sent by the princess to deliver some kind of _secret, important message_. He could tell by the way their noses were pointed up into the air, don't ask why though, it's just that heroic instinct kicking in after months of sleeping.

"What do you weenies want?" Link asked politely.

"WE CAME BY THE ORDER OF PRINCESS ZELDA TO DELIVER AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE TO SIR LINK OF ORDON." The messanger dude handed Link a letter, it was neatly rolled into a roll, snuggly wrapped in place with a pretty red bow. Link looked at it with wide eyes for a second, it reminded him of a piece of candy. Delighted with the thought of candy, Link took the message and put it in his pocket, a small smile on his face. "OKAY BYE."

The messangers left as quickly as they came. Link waved them off.

The villagers then decided to gather around Link.

"Oh boy!" Talo cried excitedly. "What does the letter say Link?"

"None of your business you little shit." Link grumbled at the small child. "Now all of you please leave! I want to read my secret letter in privacy!"

-some time later (stupid time machine...)-

Link decided to open up his letter. Link sat himself on the nearest chair, quickly peeking around over his shoulders to see if any one was spying on him, he didn't want anyone to read or even see him read his secret letter. It probably contained secret Hyrulian government secrets, for sure. Link felt honoured.

_Dear Link,_ the letter began. It was so shocking and unpredictable that Link had to take a few deep breathes before bravely continuing onward.

_This is Princess Zelda._

_Sorry to contact you so suddenly. I'm sure you're recovering from your adventure from earlier this year, and you probably thought that nothing could possibly ruin your day. _

"You got that right bitch." Link said in a non derogatory manner.

_Anyway, I know our last meeting wasn't very-err, friendly, but I write this letter to you because I have something urgent I need to speak to you about. It's about the Mirror of Twilight, and I'm sure you'll be interested. Seeing as Midna broke your heart and everything. Meet me at my castle in a weeks time. I look forward to seeing you._

_Until then, Hero._

_-Princess Zelda Kimberly Ann Marie Harkinian Ramirez Rodriguez Hyrulian Smith Johnson XII_

Putting down the letter silently. The expression on his handsome features was unreadable. He felt his face go pale and his palms became sweaty. Slowly he gripped the arms of the chair, as if to balance himself; he felt like he was growing faint and about to fall.

Link looked up then, opening his mouth to say:

"Johnson? That's a stupid name!"

-to be contined.-

ya it's zelda.

Yup. Another short chapter. You'll find that there's going to be quite alot of these. But it covered the main focus, which is allll I need. Besides. Two chapters in one weekend? You should feel blessed.

-repleeeey tiemzz-

**Midna Hytwilian**: Falcon Punch. lawlz. Huh. I noticed I spelt Falcon Punch wrong in the last chapter, I deserve one for that alone. Ehehehehe. Thanks again for your unbounding support and reviews, it's waaaay appreciated. You rock! And Vaati. Please, put the small animal down.

**Twilight Commando**: Look, if you want to talk about Midna, note me or

**Gargravarr**: Hey! I read your one story where Link.. *sniffle* took his own life. Made me sad, but I luuuuurved it. w Thanks for the review. I've never read your other stories, but if I'm making you want to improve as a writer, then I must be doing some good!

**Penance**: Gracias my little spicy burrito!

**crouchingninjahiddenwolf**: lulz. It's not a pretty sight; Link fucked up on some Viagra. but anyway, I hope this chapter clears some things up. Last chapter was meant to be in the future, which was something I put in at the last second to make it longer. xD

**Tricker's Imagination**: Thank you. w Haha, what can I say? I like my protagonists pervy? Anyway, I know POOPED is a funny word, but nothing else seemed better at the time.

err. I think my reply section was longer than the actual chapter.

toodles.

-JIPPERS.


	8. The Rusl Talks to Link Chapter

Hello my little bundles of sunshine. This piece of cra-I mean, fan fiction is intended to be humourous. Solely made for the entertainment of those who are reading (and for myself ofcourse. I get lonely...) This is a work of fan fiction; it has no relation to The Legend of Zelda's respective owners, no profit was made from the writing of this story. **Any amount of butt-hurt recieved is entirely unintentional (in most cases.) and pointless.** **Save the drama for the llamas.**

**CHAPTER 8 "**_The Rusl Talks to Link Chapter_**"**

It had been another two days before, to put it bluntly, Link finally gathered what ever wits he had left and decided to pack his belongings and leave and never, _ever_ come back. There was nothing left for him here in the small village of Ordon, minus a loving family. But, to the orphan hero, those things weren't important; there was a blue alien babe just waiting to be fucked (By him, he supposed, but unknowingly to our hero: things would take a drastic turn soon enough. For better, or for worse? Well, that depends on how he'll look upon the situation. lol foreshadowing.).

Of course, things were never that simple, and with the life Link has lead he's learned to adjust his plans accordingly. Such formalities like "Good bye forever, people of Ordon. Thanks for the food." were of course needed. Dreadfully, the boy knew this and Link shrugged off his pack and headed outside, to say adios to the locals.

Sliding down his little makeshift latter, like he did that one other time he saved the world- Damn that was cool. Man, Link, you're so cool. Now hurry up and go abandon your family (I cannot stress this enough people.) so we can continue to talk about how cool you are. Go on, now! Go on!

Link had walked some mile or so before reaching the heart of Ordon, it was early in the morning and the sun was just starting to creep over the little mountain tops in the horizon. Blissfully unaware of what a beautiful morning this was ("Nature sucks!"), Link first made his way to Rusls small cottage. Rusl was like a father to him, or maybe even like an older brother (according to some cheap TP site on the internet. Psssh, what a bunch of lame-o's. I mean, who are you gunna believe? Some dorks who call themselves Nintendo? Or _me_? Yeah, I thought so.).

Anyway, Link stopped at the wooden entrance just before the inside of Rusls home. The ex-hero took the time to admire the door, this would probably be the last time he'd ever see the thing after all, and he and this door have had alot of good times together... like that one time when he was four and new to the village, he was naively playing a game of "tag" with Ilia where he ran straight into the door and cried for two hours-yes, those were very, very happy times. Link smiled at the fond memory, knowing he hasn't felt complete since the love of his love of two weeks left him. He had blacked out for several minutes and the door remained there at his side, like a supporting friend who would always be there for him and-oh my god this is taking forever!

Uncaringly kicking away at his wooden childhood friend, Link rushed into the house. Hurried cries of,"Rusl! Rusl!" echoed against four walls and Link almost felt a surge of panic as Rusl was still nowhere to been seen. "Rusl! Hey, Rusl! I need to talk to yoooou!" Link hollered once again. Where could that respectable old fart be?

"God damn it, Link!" Rusl finally emmerged. "How many times I have told you? You're supposed to knock on the door!"

"Yeah, yeah, door. Knock. Okay." Link sputtered, only half interested, and looking around wildly. "I have to tell you something!"

"Well, what is it?" asked the older man.

"I'm leaving." answered the blond, flatly.

Pause.

"Forever." he added.

"What?-but, Link, my boy! You can't leave!" Rusl told Link, the sudden declaration waking him. "What brought this on? You can't just leave!"

"Sure I can," Link replied, his tone even. "and I'm going to!"

"Be reasonable!"

"_You're not my father_!" the young man replied defiantly.

"I never said I was!" Rusl cried out in defense. "I was just saying... MORE ARGUEING OCCURS HERE. LINK CRIES A LITTLE BIT, RUSL COMFORTS, GIVING IN LIKE A LITTLE PUSSY AND EVENTUALLY TELLING LINK IT'S OKAY TO LEAVE. FOREVER. BECAUSE HE, too, WAS YOUNG AND ADVENTUROUS AND HUNGRY FOR VAGINA ONCE. BLAH BLAH BLAH SHIT SHIT SHIT."

"Thank you for understanding Rusl." Link said softly, hugging his mentor for the _very last time ever_, while said mentor patted his back in comfort. "Oh, and another thing." he sniffled, sitting up. "Can you say good bye to Jimmy or whatever his name is for me?"

"Sure Link!" Rusl replied, still putting on the weeny act. "but I think you mean 'Colin'."

"It matters." Link waved to him before shutting the door in his face.

Well, there you have it folks. I hope I made Link sound enough like an out of character douche bag. I'm sure he's feeling depressed and with out a purpose and everything, but Link needs to get over himself and his little dramatics and realize that family will always be there for him. Those around you give you purpose, Link! Stop living in the past and get on with your seventeen year old life! GOD!

Next chapter, whenever I decide to write it, will be relatively short. It'll unfold much like Chapter 2, where Link finally says goodbye to that fat bitch Ilia. Oh my god she is so annoying!11!1!ihatemyself!1!and ugly ewwww!1!que feo!1! Burn in hell, horse stealer!

I wrote this chapter in a fairly bad mood (Facebook deactivated my account because I mispelled my password.), I think that has really contributed to the fuel of this chapter. Because instead of chatting with my friends and family, I sat here and wrote crappy fanfiction.

REPLAY TIEM SHAWTY.

**Midna Hytwilian: **Well, after finally crawling out from the darkest depths of the Twilight Realm (it was a formidable adventure worthy enough of a crappy self-insert. I found myself in a passionate romance with Midna.), and I found myself face to face with your review. Mybe it was just a coincidence and-Thank you. AND VAATI PUT THE DELICATES DOWN.

**Shadow Wolf King**: hey you changed your namekshijdsgafhuijsgdo. And yes you do. YES YOU DO.

**Reghedable**: lulz. Gracias!

**Ryuchie**: lollercoasters! "There is always atleast one line in each of your chapters that has me Rofling with some roflwaffles." You have no idea how insanely happy that makes me! xD Well, maybe you do, but mmmm... waffles... and as for your remark towards someone being butthurt I have to say that _I have no idea what you're talking about_ (wink wink.)

TOODLES BITCHES. i love you.


	9. The Link Leaves Forever Chapter

Hi ,everyone. Sorry for not updating any sooner, I planed to have this finished and posted by my birthday but couldn't find the motivation to write this. I'm not too fond of it at the moment. I'd much rather be writing something else; I'm working on a romance/chapter story starring Mario and Link (together. Yes.). It is going to be epic as fuck and I'm wondering if any of you would like to read it. I can't guarantee another update soon, but hey, I started this and I think I'm going to have to finish it too. Take care and review if you can. love, Jippers.

**CHAPTER NINE.**

The sun was setting upon the sleepy village of Ordon, but someone was not sleeping. Infact, what this person was doing was the opposite of being _asleep_. He was being _awake_, and furiously packing bags filled with trivial items such as water and food. Link tied the knot on the last sack containing his belongings, before setting everything upon the back of his beloved horse: Epona.

The poor animal, forced to carry not only her dear master, but all of the worthless garbage that he insisted on carrying with him everywhere. Epona loved the man dearly, that she did, and love him she will continue to do so; but the two of them would need to have a serious _talk_... whenever they got the chance. Life was hard being a six-and-a-half foot tall horse, but the mare has learned to bear hers, and Links, burden.

As Link and Epona were readying themselves to leave, a shrill and girlish voice suddenly called out to them in desperation. The duo turned their heads to the sound of the disruption, it's mask of panic breaking through the quite of night time, and discovered that it was little Ilia. Link felt the very presense of ROBO LINK crawl deep within the corners of his small, goat herding mind. It felt very welcoming all of a sudden, and the young man found himself smiling despite himself.

"...Ilia," he breathed.

"Link!" she screamed. "LAAAAANK!"

"What do you want?" the young man asked bluntly.

Ilia reached for him, wrapping her arms around him and sobbing into his broad chest in a maudlin fashion. Through her boogers and tear drops, she cried: "Link! ...Link! Don't leave!"

"Ilia..." he muttered again sadly, a glipse of his old, sincere self.

"No!" Ilia interrupted, "you can't leave!" she protested. "Don't you see it Link?! Don't you see it? I do! I do! I do! We are meant to be together Link! _I love you so much _Link!" and then there was more sobbing and crying and whipping her running nose and his chest and _ewww_.

Link pushed her away from him like a gentleman. His eyes were calm and his face was composed as he muttered soft words of comfort to his childhood friend. "Ilia, you have to understand. I just don't belong here anymore... I... I... I'm not happy. I..." and then his eyebrows twitched. He gave her a confused look before looking at himself blankly.

It was silent for the next couple of minutes, and Ilia was growing worried. Bravely, she put her hands on Links shoulders and beckoned him. "Link...? Are you okay?"

Link, in response, closed his eyes harshly. He stayed like that momentarily, and Ilia watched in awe as his lips formed a grimace and his pupils moved around savagely behind his closed lids, as if they were desparately looking for something and couldn't find them.

"Link...?"

"...nghnn."

"Link?"

"Whoooo..."

"Link?!"

"..._beep_."

"Oh dear Din..."

"BEEP BEEP BOP."

"Noooooo!" Ilia cried in defeat. "Come back, Link, come back!!"

"DOES NOT COMPUTE." he grumbled.

"Link.. Link! Listen to me! Don't you recognize me---it's me! Ilia!"

"ILIA?" he perked. "SCANNING MEMORY FOR "ILIA". SCANNING... SCANNING... DONE."

Ilia stared at him, afraid.

"ILIA." Robo-Link shouted. "OPENING FILE FOR 'ILIA'... BEEP BEEP. I LOVE YOU LIKE A SISTER. BEEP. STOP FOLLOWING ME. MUST LEAVE FOREVER NOW. GOOD BYE MY SISTER. BEEP BEEP." and he marched away to Epona before climbing up onto her saddle.

"BEEP." was all he said before kicking Epona onward. She reared up dramatically in a final good bye, and Robo-Link looked at Ilia one last time.

"Link!"

He accidently flipped her off, not recognizing it was her despite having just talked to her five seconds ago. It was her fault for standing there, anyway, dumb bitch. and Ilia started crying again, her heart ultimately shattered by the yound man she cared the most for.

Ilia miserably reached for him, tears streaming down her face, as she witnessed Link and Epona leave for the very last time (I cannot stress this "leaving forever thing" enough, people.). The duo disappeared into a cloud of dust and dirt, not looking back even once. There was no reaching him now.

She sat there defeated until morning atlast came,

her best friend was gone forever.


	10. The Arrival at Castle Town Chapter

The I Hate My Life, Why Am I still Writing This Chapter------

erhmm. Pardon me. This is The Link Heads To Castle Town Chapter.

**ONWARD.**

The sun was just beginning to set upon the vast fields of Hyrule, the ubiquitous trees that were everywhere in Ordon were now just a memory in Links mind, as he galloped across the valley upon the back of his beloved mare. It had been a long day for our hero and he was beginning to----you know what, you guys? Fuck this description shit I'm trying to pull off at the beggining of every, single chapter. It's annoying as hell and if I didn't know any better, I could sware that this was an actual fan fiction, one that could be taken seriously, if it weren't for the fact that-----_OH HEY YOU GUYS IT'S CASTLE TOWN._

"Oh, hey Epona, it's Castle Town!" Link smiled his pearly whites, which was an odd feature for someone whose never held a tooth brush. "We've finally made it!" the man added.

**JIPPERSJIPPERSJIPPERSJIPPERS**

that's it.


	11. The Link Gets Drunk at Telmas Chapter

this is a double update. make sure you read the previous chapter.

It's that time of the fan fiction again folks!

The Link Gets Drunk at Telma's Chapter

**THIS IS A LINE BREAK.**

The crowded streets of Castle Town were as busy as ever, so Link and Epona slithered their way into Telma's bar silently. It could not be done, of course, because a five foot tall young man bringing in a seven foot tall horse into a bar was quite a sight to behold.

"I need to lay off the booze," even one patron muttered to himself in confusion, pushing a mug of frothy beer away in distaste. "I'm starting to see things."

Link did not understand why every one was starring at him. Didn't they know it was impolite to stare at people? City people were an enigma to him, they always would be, especially drunk city people. Link settled on placing Epona behind a lamp, a big one. ("Take that city slickers!")

But people continued to stare at him. What was wrong with him? Was there something on his face? Link rubbed at his pointed ears self consiously. Childhood memories began pouring into his small mind. The jeering, the insulting, the teasing... the gang rape. It was all too much for our poor hero. He started hearing voices in his head.

_"Haha! Link has pointed ears!" the children of long days past sneered._

_"What a freak!" one pointed._

_"Stupid Hylian!" another one bit._

_"Yeah, he'll never be one of us!" A dissaproving glare._

_"Go make me some cookies elf boy!" _

_They ran circles around him, jabbing their toy swords at the unforunate little misfit stuck in the middle._

Suddenly a voice called out his name. "Link, hunny!" it said.

But Link was disheartened, suddenly doubting his self worth, the appendages that were the very cause of his childhood torment were sloped down in his sadness. His mind wandered to Midna; the one person who he could confide anything and everything in, talk to anything about----he never had to pretend around Midna.

"Link, _hunny_!"

"LINK... _HUNNY_!"

"huh?"

"_HUNNY_!!"

"Oh... hi there Telma." Link greeted, half hearted. "What brings you here?"

"You're in my bar, _hunny_. What brings _you_ here, _hunny_?"

Link explained his situation to her: the letter from Zelda ordering his presense. Telma was impressed. "A letter from the princess, how nice for you _hunny_."

"Could you please stop calling me that?" Link asked timidly.

"Stop calling you what, _hunny_?" Telmas eyes perked up, her awesome cleavage threatening to burst right through her itty bitty teeney weeney yellow tank top, that she wore for the first time today. Not that Link was staring, or anything, he was not _that _kind of guy.

"Uh.. nevermind." Link blushed.

"Something's up with you,_ hunny_. Are you okay? Can I get you something to drink,_ hunny_?"

"MILK." Link dead panned, his eyes going south for the winter. It was hotter down south.

"_What_?" Telma snapped, dropping the hunny and about to drop on Link.

"Oh!" he blushed a deeper crimson, setting his big ol' bag of rupees next to Telma, he composed himself. "I mean.. I... I've have some beer..." he decided.

Telma poured him a full glass of her strongest booze, settling the glass in front of Link. "Here you go, hunny." and Link muttered a small thank you before tenderly taking his first sip. Telma watched the under aged boy gulp the entire glass down in one go.

Link slammed the glass down onto the counter, his eyes wide in the candle light as he found himself feeling more alive than ever, "another one," he ordered and Telma, a bit hesitantly at first, poured him another glass. He drank this one in only two gulps, with out so much as even flinching as the burning liquid pooled down his parched throat. Telma never knew little Link had it in him.

And so Link drank another glass.

and another.

and another.

and another.

and another.

and another.

and another.

and another.

and another.

and another.

and another.

and another.

and another.

and another.

and another.

and another.

and another.

and another.

and another.

and another.

and another.

and another.

and another.

and another.

and an---okay I think we get the picture.

Before Link dies from alcohol poisoning, Telma refuses to pour him another glass. "_Hunny_," she said, a tone of authority ringing in her voice (she was used to this kind of thing.) "I'm going to have to cut you off for the night."

and little Link, who was half asleep in a moutain of empty beer glasses muttered something.

"_Hunny_?'

"WHHAAAAAAT?" hic.

"Are you okay?"

"I missssss Midnuuuuuuhhhh..."

"Whose Midnuh? Is he your boyfriend, _hunny_?"

"With benefits." Link added.

"_Hunny_..."

"Telmaaaa, I dun feel so geeeeewd."

"_Hunny_, whatever you do, just don't----!'

Link made a horrible gurgling noise before sending half of the nights beer (and that was alot of beer, people) rght onto Telma's floor. Some of it even sprinkled unto his reddened face and blond hair, where it flopped about disgustingly as it clinged to his tresses. Telma shivvered and scowled, but he didn't notice.

"Aww,_ hunny_! I just cleaned that floor..."

"Tastes like Midnuuuuuhhhh..." he giggled.

Telma didn't want to know. She settled for grabbing the drunken young man by his shoulder, slapping him around a few times, and dragging him into the guest room that was always there without us ever noticing. It was pretty useless, but came in handy in times like these.

"Hunny, get some sleep." the bar keep grumbled before placing Link unto the bed and tucking him in like a mother. She had to ignore him when he started crying.

"...what's that horse doing behind the lamp?!"

----------------

**THIS IS THE END OF THE CHAPTER. STOP READING. STOP. STOOOOOOP. ARGGGGHGHGHGHGHGH!**

i wanted to do like a kind of scene from the Spongebob movie where Bob and Patrick eat alot of ice cream at goofy goobers and act like a bunch of morons. 'cept with Link and Epona. that is the greatest movie ever, just saying. "_uhhhh... epona...? hey wat's up buddeh_??!"

will do review replies next time around. take care everyone! love you!


	12. The Meeting With Zelda Chapter

for the last fucking tiem u gais:  
IMMA GURL. A WOMAN. A CHICK. A LADY. A FEMALE. A BABE. ETC.  
WITH LIKE, A VAGINA. AND BOOBS. AND OVARIES. AND WHATEVER.  
I LIKE THE COLORS PINK, AND RAINBOWS, AND PICTURES OF LINK SHIRTLESS.  
okaay. stop askin me if imma boy. it be trippin. amirite? kk babies, ilu.

anyway,  
THIS girl DON'T OWN ZELDA.

0-0-0-0-0--0-0-0-0-0--0/

**The Greatest Twilight Princess Fanfiction in the History of Ever**  
**Chapter 12: The Meeting With Zelda Chapter**  
**by JIPPERS.**

Twas a foggy morning in Castle Town, Hyrule, and the streets were baren and empty as Link decided to get up early and head straight towards the castle. The Princess Zelda was expecting him, if you know what I mean. Link had full memory of last night, and all of his antics. He woke up feeling rather refreshed, as massive amounts of alcohol and vomiting has no effect on him. He was the legendary freaking hero for fuck's sake! Besides, he had plenty of hearts left.

So, anyway, Link headed towards the castle gates which we're like... big and stuff. Two, fat as hell, guards were there, holding their spears clumsily as they standed in their own puddles of piss. Some army, Zelda, way to go. Link ignored them and their off odor and headed pass them.

Just then, one of the fat guards (let's call him "Jip") grew a pair and hoisted his spear into the air, blocking Link's path from the castle. The other guard, Pers, joined his companion, poking Link in his flawless face with his own rusty spear. Links flawless face, numbed of any feeling from countless hours under the needle, didn't notice.

"Hault thar, filthy commoner!" Jip said.

"Whar do ye think yer goin'?" Pers added.

"To the castle." Link said.

"Why?" Jip said.

"To see Princess Zelda." Link said.

"Why wud that thar princess Zelduh wont to tawlk to filthay scum like yer'self?" Pers said.

"Don't you know who I am?" Link said.

"No." both Jip and Pers said.

"Guards!" Princess Zelda shouted. "Release the Hero at once!" Jip and Pers put their spears down, sadly. Zelda grabbed Links dirty commoner hand (the whore!!), and dragged him away to The Throne Room of Hyrule... not to be mistaken with The Throne Room of Twilight. Link and Zelda stood there for a few moments, ackward silence filling the already quiet room. Zelda was the first to speak. "You do realize why you are here, yes Hero?"

"Princess, I don't like being called 'Hero' by those I call my friends." Link muttered in modesty, despite only having meet Zelda three or four times. He saved the entirety of all Hyrule, goddess dammit, that meant that everyone was his friend!

"Yes, yes." Zelda interjected. "I understand." she lied. "Don't call me 'princess'. I am not a fan of formalities, either." she admitted, contradicting the very way she was raised. "Please, just call me Zelda." Link stood there silently, urging her forward. "Wow, Link..." she spoke up suddenly, she cheeks a bright pink color on her pale, royal face.

"Yes Prin---erm," he caught himself, blushing too. "I mean, yes Zelda?" The name sounded foreign and strange with the way it rolled across his tongue. "What is it?" he asked the brunette princess, suddenly becoming shy. His cheeks were a rosy, red color.

"You're so easy to talk to." Zelda admitted whole heartedly. Life behind castle walls has left the older woman as hard as a rock, with no friends to converse with, no time to herself, no fun... no anything. Just legions of servants at her command and a life of luxury. Talking with Link like this made her feel almost normal... it was rather scandulous really. Consorting with a goat herd! Oh-ho-ho-ho!

"Uh...wow. You really mean that?" Link asked earnestly, blushing deeper.

"Yes, Link," Zelda replied, smiling a small smile. "I do."

"So... what did you want to talk about?" Link finally threw up... I mean, out. (Remember it's hang over time folks!)

"Remember how the universe proclaimed that the Mirror of Twilight was the only, only, only way into Twilight Realm?" the princess asked the hero matter of factly.

Link nodded, remembering the time the universe proclaimed that the Mirror of Twilight was the only, only, only way into Twilight Realm. And then he remembered the time that Midna broke said Mirror ("The mirror wasn't the only thing she broke!" sniff.), ultimately having torn out his heart and left his ass here forever... the fucking whore.

"Well," Zelda continued, "the Universe lied."

0-0-0-0-0--0-0-0-0-0--0/

**freakin review repliesssss.**  
**Midna Hytwilian:** gracias. gracias por el review. me encanta reviews. taco!  
**Serenity Morningstar:** yes. it was a copious amount of beer.  
**lightwolf8: **momma always said better safe than sorry! watch out for dem horsies.  
**foxpilot: **he may be a depressed drunk.. but atleast he's not a mary sue! *smilesmile*  
**sukifujisaki:** ilu too random internet bitch. *winkwink*

**at everyone else: sorry bout lack of updates and stuff. been busy with my life (highschool is serious mother fucking bizz.) and frankly i think that this story sucks big hairy balls. thanks for your encouraging messages. don't do drugs kids! looooove, jippuhssss.**


	13. The Alternative Portal to Twilight Chapt

**hey you guyyyyys. another update. sorry for the are other things to do and write. If you know what I mean. Anyway, been playing alot of Tales of the Abyss, and my SAT (aka, aspiration destroying test) is this Saturday. wish me luck.**

**DISCLAIMER GOES HER. SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS, IF NINTENDO WAS GOING TO FUCKING SUE US FOR WRITING FAN FICTION THEY WOULD HAVE ALREADY FUCKING DONE IT BY NOW. DERP.**

**chapter 13: The Alternative Twilight Portal Chapter**

_"What'd you say woman!" _Link asked sassily.

"I said the UNIVERSE LIED; that there is another way into Twilight..." Zelda replied snobbily, saying so, she crossed her arms upon her ample breasts and gave the ex-Hero a questioning, all the while dissaproving and demeaning, look. She wasn't finished, however, and added onwards, "and what's with that _woman _comment you just said? I don't like your pejorative tone."

"Huh?" Link asked.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about." the princess said coldly. "You know, we women don't appreciate you men always bringing us down just to fuel your goddamn macho. I work very hard to do good in my place as princess of Hyrule, doing absolutely nothing all day and demanding to be rescued every other generation or so." the hard working aristocrat continued her rant, "I want you to apologize for what you said to me and to the entire woman race."

Link gawked at her in amazement. He was wondering just what the hell that was all about. "Uhhh..." he spoke up stupidly. "My humblest apologies, Princess Zelda."

"Aaaaaaand...?"

"I'm sorry, entirety of the women race." he added, pouting sadly at his mistakes and looking around for someone to apologize to. He looked at Princess Zelda again, and piped up when he thought she made a smirk of approval and forgiveness. "What was that you were saying about Twilight?" he asked, tilting his head to the side.

"I said," Zelda repeated for the third time. "That there is another way into the Twilight Realm other than the Mirror of Twilight; another way for you to see the Twilight Princess again."

Link ears perked up, like a little puppy dog (and though the hero would never confess, his ears were not the only thing that perked up that sunny afternoon.). "Really?" he asked. Zelda gave him a look that clearly stated, _don't make me repeat myself for a fourth time, you worthless little dreck_, which Link quickly obeyed. "Can you tell me where it is?" he asked instead, fumbling nervously with his hands.

"Certainly." was all that Zelda said.

"Wow? Really? That was easy..."

"Ofcourse, Link, that's how we lore you in. Capture you." Zelda whispered creepily.

"What? Lore me in? What does that m-?"

"Would you like some tea, Link?" Zelda interrupted, feigning innocence.

"I would like some tea." Link's ears perked up again, (but the other thing perked down. Whaaaat? Tea isn't that sexy.. unless you're one of those people.) and Zelda called some of her chamber maids to come get _me and the hero some more goddamn friggin' tea_.

-sometime later, in the evening-

The Princess Zelda and Link had finished with their tea time festivities in Zelda's chambers. The sun was nearly setting, and Link asked the princess (THE princess, not HIS princess.) to show him the passage way into the Twilight Realm. Nothing but their timid footsteps echoed throughtout the hallways of the castle, minus the worthless guards making their rounds.

Link remembered to wave at Jip and Pers when he saw them.

The duo had finally arrived at what Princess Zelda deemed their destination. It was a door. It made Link think about his door friend back in Ordon, but he pushed the thoughts asides. This door was much more galllant, obviously, as it was encrusted with golden plates and sparkling jewels that showed off the wealth of royalty. Link wolf whistled in admiration, appreciated the handiwork that had been done to this fine, majestic door.

Zelda opened the door with help from Link, who insisted upon being a gentlemen or maybe just because he was excited about finall being able to see Midna again. Two weeks was far too long of a time to be apart from the one he loved the most, afterall. He couldn't contain himself, and pushed open the doors wildly with Zelda.

What awaited him on the other side left him with much dissapointment. Link stared at the object in front of him, while the pretty princess next to him approached it casually, as if she had seen the object one thousand and two times before today. Gracefully, Princess Zelda sat her royal rump atop of the mysterious portal. She looked at Link with half-lidded, suggestive eyes, and gestured towards the object. "Here it is, Hero, isn't it wonderful?" she asked calmly.

"It's a toilet." Link stated.

"Yes, Link, yes it is." Zelda replied.

"It's a toilet." Link repeated.

"What's your point?" the princess asked, not understanding.

"It's a toilet." he said again.

"Yes, Link. It's a goddamn toilet." Zelda said, annoyed at the hero's uneclectic choice of vocabulary that evening. "And this, may I repeat, this toilet, is the way back into the Twilight Realm."

Link stared at her (and the toilet.)

"and the way back to Midna." she confirmed.

She waited.

And waited.

And waited.

"Get off the toilet, princess," Link ordered. "I'm going in."

* * *

**reply tiem.**

**The Shadow Ice Alchemist:** Ooh say can you see? Everyone is dumb but me? I'm never, ever wrong, and that's all you'll ever be...  
**Foxpilot: **I agree. Last chapter, and maybe even this one, was utterly terrible.  
I've lost my writing spirit, whenever it comes to this little sotry. xD Hopefully this one is a little bit better...  
**Trickster's Imagination: **don't worry! It'll come to you eventually.  
**Serenity Morningstar:** Tacos and cookies it is, then.  
**GoldenHyruleGoddess:** Yes, whenever Link smiles a puppy dies. That's why he can never be happppppyy.  
**Ryuchie: **Bad universe, baaad! Yes, Puppy!Link chappie is soon.  
**Nonagon2234:** Indeed. Robo!Link is the sexiest character ever.  
**Feuer der Nacht (anon):** thanks for your super duper review, dawg. I will seriosuly take your recommendations to the heart.


	14. The Link Goes Through the Portal Chapter

**shit you guys. it's been forever since I've updated this thing. I'm really really sorrrrrrrryyyy. atleast you get that much. most writers don't even apologize after dropping off th face of the planet. (yes. that's part of the parody.) but seriously. I've been like way busy. I've been travelling back and forth between mom and dad, etc. senior year starts in a few weeks. hooooo snaaaaap. plus I've been like majorly addicted to pokemon. that shit is so fun. but enough excuses. anyway, back to the story. I hope this works.**

**THIS IS SHORT. I AM SORRY.**

* * *

Link stepped into the Toilet of Twilight. Fighting down the urge to vomit his guts out became increasing difficult to do as icky-yucky poo water seeped through his boots and got his toes feeling moist and wet (That should satisfy the foot fetishists for the rest of the chaper. Until next time, my friends.) Well, anyway, he stepped into the mother fucking toilet and waited for something cool to happen. "Come on, you filthy toilet!" Link shouted in furry. "Do something magical!"

The toilet, however, refused to do anything at all. Besides smell like shit. Link just about had it, then Zelda stepped in (into the situation, I mean, not the toilet.) and spoke out to Link. "Hero," she began. "Press that silver trigger with your hand to activate the Toilet of Twilight."

"Oh."

"..."

Link pressed that silver trigger with his hand and activated the Toilet of Twilight. Just after that trigger had been set off, poo water burst from the bowl. Completely covering and drenching Link as it worked it's magic. Said hero felt his world begin to spin around him, and he dizzily tried to steady himself before he could be knocked off balance. Grasping onto the nearest thing he could reach, no one had told Link that it was a big no-no to pull the Toilet of Twilight's switch more than once after it had been activated.

Zelda's eyes widened in realization and horror. "No! Double-flusher! Take cover!" she shrieked. "Link! What have you done? You've knocked the Toilet of Twilight off of it's balance!" and she hurridly finished her sentence, before scarmbling up her skirts and scurrying like her life depended on it over to the nearest hiding place. Which was, coincidentally, another toilet. There was nothing special about that one, though.

"What the fuck does that mean?" Link asked, half way sucked into the Toilet of Twilight.

"I don't know!" Zelda replied.

'My baaaaaaaaaaaad!" Link screamed as he continued spinning inside of the Toilet of Twilight. "!" was his final yell before he was engulfed into the waters of the Toilet of Twilight. His miserable screaming had finished with a sickening gurgle, making Zelda cringe from where she was crouching in fear.

"The poor child." (1) she muttered sadly, standing up and tilting her royal head in respect.

Sitting alone in a puddle of toilet water was Link's green cap.

Link was totally freaking out, man. He wondered briefly if this was what being Mario felt like; going down pipes and toilets and all of that crap (pun not intended... okay, yeah it was.). It couldn't be doing his body any favors. Link shivvered.

He stopped for a moment (yes, in mid-warp.). Wondering what exactly the Princess had meant when she said that he had "knocked the Toilet of Twilight off it's balance.". The hero was pretty darn sure that it meant... bad things. But he pushed the thoughts away, not wanting to think about... bad things. He didn't like bad things, they were... bad.

Then, something did happen. Link felt his body going through changes. Sort of like how a caterpillar would change into a beautiful butterfly... except Link was pretty darn sure caterpillars didn't hear or feel their bones shattering and breaking agonizingly painfully while transforming. Did caterpillars even have bones? He'd have to ask one another time... when his bones weren't shattering... or breaking... holy shit! That hurt like a mother!

In his pain and panic, Link let out a horrible scream, and his mouth and lungs began to be filled with water. And he watched in horror as the last of his air went anyway: floating around like little tiny little bubbles before finally popping into nonexistance, forever. They mocked him with their oxygen.

But anyway, bone shattering and lack of air finally took their toll on Link.

And he fainted.

Yes, fainted.

In a toilet.

So cool.

* * *

for the lack of updates and for the shortness of this chapter. Next one will be longer, hopefully... THE TWO LOVE BIRD WILL FINALLY REUNITE!1 HAAHJAHAKGHJGDHSDA.

So, you guys, I've been gathering moar ideas. I skipped a whole lot, I've noticed. So I'm trying to think of positions to place things I've missed. I already got a chapter where Link faints at the end. Next I need to throw in a part where Ilia proposes to Link or something. Maybe Link can get raped along the way by some sleezy guy. And Midna, there needs to be a sex scene between the two of them. Or does that take things too far... what do you guys think?

moar reply tiem.

Midna Hytwilian: STFU MIDNA AND READ THE DAMN STOREE/.

Serenity Morningstar: HEY. PAINTING WATCHING & GRASS GROWING HAPPENS TO BE VERY FUN.

LittleBlueNayru: YES INDEED. DOORXDOOR IS BEING CONSIDERED. THANKYOU.

Tricker's Imagination: LINKS TEARS CAN FIX MIRRORS? HMM, THAT'S KINDA IRONIC BECAUSE MIDNA'S TEARS CAN... WELL, ANYWAY. GLAD TO KNOW YOU APPROVE OF THE TOILET OF TWILIGHT. I WORKED REALLY HARD ON IT.

Foxpilot: WELL ATLEAST YOU'RE HONEST. HOW WOULD you GO INTO A TOILET, THEN?

Feur der Nacht: HEY. NO PROBS DOG. BIG REVIEWS MAKE ME HAPPY. THERE'S NO SIDE SCROLLING, UNFORTUNATELY. BUT THERE'S A MARIO MENTIONING. WHICH WAS ENTIRELY ACCIDENTAL.

lightwolf8: YES. TOILET GOT A NAME... WELL, MOAR LIKE A TITLE. BUT MEH.

THE-complete-zelda-fan: THANKYOU.

Llwynog the Bard: HOLY SHIT BALLS. THANKS. YES, YES. DEFINATELY MOAR TO COME. JUST INCREDIBLY SLOWLY.


	15. The Link and Midna Reunite Chapter

Yay quicker update yay. I am so COOL. You should call me CULO. Spanish-jokes. Moving on. I decided to start this chapter right away, because... I... sniff... love you guys so much. I love you guys moar than a fat kid loves cake. etc. etc.

**THE GREATEST TWILIGHT PRINCESS FAN-FICTION IN THE HISTORY OF EVER**

**CHAPTER FIFTEEN: THE LINK & MIDNA REUNITE CHAPTER**

_We return to Midna..._

_and a copious amount of objects ending in "_of Twilight_"._

Midna sat boredly upon the Throne of Twilight in the Throne Room of Twilight, watching her servant of Twilight mumble on about something. She didn't bothering listening to her; but it was hard to tune her out. Kind of like bad music. She sat there for a few more minutes, her blue hand was placed underneath her chin as she slouched further into the Throne of Twilight.

Link was there too, albiet unconsious and on the floor, and he was even a wolf too, if that mattered, dripping wet with somekind of stinky water. If Midna wasn't an idiot and if Link weren't so goddess damned stinky, she would've embraced the young lad, kissed him on his cute little puppy nose, and told him how much she missed him. Guuuuuuhhhhh...

"Okay! I got it!" Anya's, Midna's Servant of Twilight, brought the Princess of Twilight back into twiality (Twilight and Reality mixed together. See, now I'm making up words. Nothing is safe.). Midna looked up at Anya boredly.

"You got what, now?" she asked dimmly.

"Remember how a few chapter's ago, I said that the Mirror of Twilight _pooped_ something out?" The woman put extra enthasis on the word _pooped_. Anya paused momentarily, and looked up at Midna, seeing if her superior remembered how a few chapters ago she said that the Mirror of Twilight _pooped_ something out.

"Yes..." Midna confirmed succintly. "I remember you saying how the Mirror of Twilight _pooped _something out."

Anya continued: "Well, your majesty," she said. "I've thought of an entirely new phrase!" Midna looked interested. "Here it is: 'The Mirror _threw_ something _up_!'" Anya shouted, gasping for breath.

"Anya,"

Anya looked interested.

"Get out."

Anya left.

Midna let out a sigh of relief, before looking at the still unconsious Link, and shouting at the top of her lungs: "DOCTER!". Docter soon came in, opening the Double Doors of Twilight and entering the Throne Room of Twilight and approaching the Princess of Twilight who was still sitting on the Throne of Twilight.

"Yes, Princess?" he asked calmly, not noticing Link and actually stepping on the poor dog a few times. "What do you need? Are you ill?"

"No," Midna answered sharply. "My dog is sick and I need you to fix him."

"Now?"

"Yes."

"Right now?"

"Yes!"

"Okay." Docter (yes, that really is his name.) tooked out his Twilascope of Twilight and held it to Links chest or whatever (I'm a half-assed comedian, not a Docter.). Midna watched in anticipation and fear, awaiting what Doc had to say.

"Well... what's wrong with him?" Midna expressed her fear out loud, and at her question Doc could only frown sadly. Midna instantly assumed the worst concerning her boy toy.

"Princess," he spoke. "I'm afraid that, your doggy, is... in a doggy coma."

Midna gasped dramatically. "A coma?"

Doc nodded and put away his Twilascope of Twilight, and began rubbing his rounded chin thoughtfully. "Yes, your majesty, a coma. A prolonged state of unconsiousness."

Midna slapped her Forehead of Twilight in exasperation. Doc sure had a inclination to exacerbate every situation he was thrown into. "I know what a coma is, stupid! How do we get him out of it?"

"I don't know." Docter said smartly, but he paused, as if he had an epiphany (sudden realization.) and Midna leaned in curiously. "I need to take his temperature." he concluded.

Midna looked at him quizzically, but opened up Links mouth as Doc pulled out a twimometer. Doc saw Links open jaw, and tsked at the princess softly.

Midna noticed this. "What?" she asked.

"Princess, this one doesn't go in his mouth."

.

.

.

Needless to say that Link awoke but a mere few moments later, barking profanities in absolute misery. Midna ignored his barking, and instead settled for hugging him tightly and swinging him by his arms (do doggies have... arms...? Legs, then? I'm a half-assed comedian, not a Biologist.) around the Throne Room of Twilight, squealing in delight.

"Yay! Linky!" she screamed, putting him down. "What's up buddy?"

Link shrugged impossibly.

"Nothing, huh?"

Link nodded.

"Aw, man, Link! I wanna have sex with you so hard!" Midna confessed.

"Bark!" barked Link. _That's what I've (and everyone else.) been waiting for!_

"Oh, but... you're a doggy."

"Bark..." _Awe..._

"Let's figure out how to make you human again!"

"Bark!" _Bark!_

* * *

To be continued!

That's all you get for today. murrrrrrrr. thanks for the plethora of reviews. Next chapter whenever. probably soon. dunno yet. but I have this awesome joke stored in mah brain. it'll be fucking sweet. It has to do with Links hat. it's the equivalent of Little Red Riding Hood's red hood. I totally watched Eclipse (the movie.) last night. I've been converted to Team Jacob. poor baby always gets beat up by bitches. plus he never wears a shirt. mmmm baby.

...

_**reply tiem.**_

**Midna Hytwilian:** shut up puppy fucker.  
hmm... that was an odd way to start a reply.  
**Asheru's Shadow:** indeed he does.  
Mario srslly needs to make another appearance here.  
**LittleBlueNayru:** it's not REALLY crap. just water that crap's been in.  
caterpillar Link would be cool. but not as cool as Robo-Link.  
thankyooou. making people wait brings me joy.  
**Serenity Morningstar:** apology accepted!  
that's 3 votes for doorXdoor! yay!  
**Foxpilot: **That way is appropriate aswell. Thankyou for answering my survey.  
gah! I know! I want a flame so bad! just to say I've had one. xD  
**D :** you're right! I'm sorry! no more caring!  
**O :** haha. thanks for that. that's what I hope to accomplish.  
**BunnyRose1995:** ewwww. gross. zelink! xP just kidding.  
this is a midlink parody, so, it can't be done!  
maybe someother time. haha. but no promises. xP  
**TheGunSlinger82:** gaaaah! finally someone who caught the reference.  
you win a cookie.  
**lightwolf8:** hell yeah. links a bad boy. *winkwink*  
ewww. green poo. srslly?  
**Shawn Mitten:** thankyou kindly. ")


	16. Hiatus

Hello all. Thanks for 100 reviews. You're all a bunch of suckers, but I appreciate it anyway. It's been a month since my last update. To be honest, I totally forgot about this thing. Sorry. Lots of authors forget about their fan-fiction, or find something more important they feel they need to do (infact: I'm still waiting on "Desert Fortress". Yeah. I'm one of those girls.)

but anyway, to me, that "important" thing to do is to finish highschool and get ready for college. Applications, finding scholarships, etc. etc. That is topped off with school work and trying to get a job. It's all alot to deal with. Writing fan fiction is not on the top of my to do list.

but don't worry, there will be updates before then. Just even slower than usual. And chapters will still be short. I think we've established that I write puny chapters.

what I'm trying to say is: _**I'm putting this story on a some what of a temporary hiatus. That's right. **_**SWOATH. Some What of a Temporary Hiatus**__. I am sorry.

and sorry for posting this note here alone. I hate when people do that: I expect the next chapter of something awesome and then get a crappy little letter from the author. Doing this makes me feel bad! Chapter 16 I've started, but eh... OH YEAH. I'M GOING TO BUMP THE RATING ON THIS. For heavy language.

HAHA LOL. YOU GUYS BETTER FUCKING FLAME THIS.

love (but not IN love.), Jippers.


	17. The Awesome Twilight Adventure Chapter

**ahahahahahaha. i was just fucking with you guys. I ain't going on no stupid hiatus. I was. but I changed my mind. BECAUSE I DO WHAT I WANT. but seriously, you guys. I still have stuff to do and chapters will still come slowly. AND THEY'LL BE SHORT TOO, like they've always been. I am such a bitch. and Oh yeah. I reserved posting this chapter for a very special day. Today this story is having it's first birthday. happeh birfday storee!**

**but it lives, ladies and gentlemen.**

**The Greatest Twilight Princess Fan Fiction in the History of Ever**

**Chapter SEXteen: The Awesome Twilight Adventure Chapter**

"Okay, my sweet little pet," Midna curled her fingers under said sweet little pet's chin, and let out an evil cackle. "Let's figure out how to make you human again. So I can have my wicked, nasty way with your sweet, creamy ass."

Link stared at her, frightened. "Too much?" Midna asked, worried and embarassed. Link simply nodded (wolfishly.) before walking, on all fours, to the Exit of Twilight (wolfishly.). Midna followed suit, scratching the back of her head with her hand and staring off into the distance dreamily.

Several hours passed before anything worth mentioning in this paragraph actually happened. There was... I don't freaking know... something about spirits and crap... and then there was a fight scene... some more fighting... spirit thing is talking... gotta collect three of those... and stuff... this is all very familiar... more fighting... stuff... and yeah... and OH SWEET BABY JESUS THIS IS TAKING FUCKING FOREVER.

"Link! You'e human again!" Midna said.

"Yes! Yes I am!" Link said.

"Wait a minute." Midna said.

"What?" Link said.

"You're not Link." Midna said.

"What do you mean?" Link said.

"Link wears a hat." _said_ Midna. (Spice things up a bit... seriously you guys. I hate it when people use nothing but "(character) said." It's so freaking unoriginal. Seriously. Learn how to write. Seriously. How dare you not have the same amount of d-d-dis.. distinguished vocabulary that I have. You're all a bunch of loosers.)

Wait, what the hell was I even talking about? Oh yeah...

"Don't be silly." Link argued, butthurt. "I am so Link, and I am so wearing a hat. It's right here.." Link then reached for his green hat, which was currently placed right on top of his... absolutely nothing. "Wait... wait a minute..." he gasped. "Where... where's my hat? My hat! My haaaat!"

"Imposter!" Midna pointed. "What have you done with Real-Link?" the princess of Twilight demanded. Meanwhile, the phony balogy hero started foaming at the mouth and pulling at his hair extensions. All the while shouting about his poor little hat and why no one has ever really loved him. It was a sad sight to behold.

"I am Real-Link! I mean... I'm Link!" Link shouted, wiping bubbly foam from his chin.

"Prove it, ugly!" Midna demanded some more.

"I have the same name, outfit, and sword that Link has." the hero tried to reason. but the Princess of Twilight just wouldn't believe it. Not until he proved himself, I mean really (really, really, really.) proved himself.

'Not good enough." Midna mused. "Do something that only the reaaaal Link can do."

Link knew what he had to do. He looked at Midna with newfound determination, before balling his calloused hands into fists and heroically removing his thumb. "See," he started, moving his thumb back and forth. "Only the real Link can do this." he said. Link placed his thumb back onto his hand, while Midna stood there with her mouth agape.

"I... I... oh your god. Link!" Midna screamed, at a loss for words (about freaking time.). "Link!" she shouted some more. "It really is you!" She patted his face and shoulders, completely off guard. It was Link!

"The one and only." he grinned, ironically. Midna grinned along with him. They had no idea. The poor little freaks.

Link looked at the love of his life, smiling handsomely at her and she in turn smiled back at him. It could almost be considered a beautiful and compassionate moment, but they only had one thing on their minds. "Now what are we supposed to do?" Link asked, breaking the silence and your dirty thoughts.

Midna wondered at Link's question. The hero, for once in his short life, actually had a point. What the hell were they supposed to do now... now that they were together once again and now that her hero was sexy beyond compare? The princess was absolutely stumped.

"I don't know." she replied, hopelessly. "I don't remember what we're supposed to parody..."

Link squinted his eyes, half-lidded. Midna's words confused him so. Midna snapped at him, crossing her arms against her ample chest. "Don't do that." she ordered. "It makes you look like you have down syndrome."

"But I always do this." Link defended, appaled, not affixing his gaze. "It's my Heroic Stare (trademark). Telma said I look beastly when I do this. Women can't resist my Heroic Stare (trademark.), and men can't resist it either! That's why Ganondorf was so easy. The Heroic Stare (trademark.) solves all problems!" he beamed.

"No." Midna said. "You look stupid and, as your master, I order you to stop."

"But Mid-!"

"No."

"But..."

"No, Link!"

"Fine." Link pouted as he admitted defeat. His eyes returned to their normal, abnormal size. He jutted his lip back in. "I still don't know what we're going to do." he said, dejectedly. Hopefully Midna had an idea by now on what to do by now, a whole whopping fives seconds after he had first asked.

"We can go back to the Palace of Twilight. Where you, the Hero of Twilight, can meet some of the People of Twilight. It'll be no big deal. I mean, the People of Twilight easily warm up to Dwellers of Light. It's not like you're a descendant of the people who banished us here or anything." Midna said in no ways sarcastic. Tenderly and affectionately, she grabbed Links hand and started dragging him back to the Palace of Twilight.

"Ehhehheheh..." Link chuckled nervously, pulling at his collar.

He really wished he had his hat right about now.

**Nothing major. Just some dialogue between Link and Midna. No biggie.**


	18. The Bad Guy Plans Crap Chapter

**OKAY SO HERE'S CHAPTER SEVENTEEN. it's really short but so are all of the other chapters. Please stop pointing it out as it is getting very annoying. It's even more so annoying that I've pointed out that my chapters were short and people still bring it up. If you don't like it, don't read this. Be happy I uploaded a chapter in the fucking first place. Yes. I'm full of it. There might be a few arrors in this chapter, but it's nothing new. too lazy to get a beta.**

**OKAY SHUTTING UP NOW HERE IT IS.**

The Greatest Twilight Princess Fan Fiction in the History of Ever - by Jippers.

Chapter Seventeen: THE BAD GUY PLANS CRAP CHAPTER

An ominous wind was dispelled into the air, killing little flowers and chirpy little birdies as they waked in it's path. This wind was incredibly evil and stuff. Yes, indeed, this evil wind could only belong to a person so foul. It is at this point in this paragraph that Jippers finally realizes that she sucks at writing. And the wind was evil... that was important too.

The sky ws black, the sun was red, and the clouds were purple. It was quite a scary sight to behold! So, so! But among this evil, an eviler evil resided within the depths of it's evilness. Infact, the eviler evil had itself created this evil world... just a few months ago. Do you understand where I'm going with this, reader? Very good, then, very good.

Ganondorf (I KNOW RIGHT WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING HERE I DON'T KNOW DON'T ASK ME GUUHHHH.) was drumming his green fingers on a evil looking table in an evil looking fortress of evil. There was nothing evil about the beat he was drumming, however. It was actually quite melodious a tune. He picked it up from a young, pretty guitar struming girl from Castle Town in his younger days, many years ago, before he became deranged from visions of taking over the world. Ganondorf hummed along appreciately... evily, ofcourse. Because Ganondorf is evil.

Dark Link sat next to him, looking bored. Ganondorf noticed this, and he questioned his son softly and evily: "Son," he said, evily. "What's with the long face?". But his son, Dark Link, coldly gave his father the cold shoulder. Ganondorf had just about had it; the man was tired of his son's ever lasting teenage angst. It was like a bad movie from the 1980's. It aged him terribly; having to raise a teenage son for over one hundred years was not exactly one of his favourite activities.

"Dark," Ganondorf said sternly. "Just because you're the polar opposite of the Hero, who is characterized as being purely good and incapable of any wrong doing, doesn't mean you have to be such a douche bag all of the time." Dark Link said nothing. "...Or a rapist." The King of Evil added, although with hesitance and morbid humiliation. He didn't care who did it: rape was just wrong to him. He wasn't that evil. Certainly not. And he would never stoop to a level so low, ever, not even when it envolved the Hero. Ever.

An idea blossomed into Ganondorf's head, like a beautiful flower in the spring time. So fresh! He grinned... deviously. "Son," he began, and as he expected his son did not acknowledge him. "Let's do something together. Like the old days." Ganondorf began, but stopped suddenly, awaiting any reaction from his teenage son.

This took the interest of Dark Link, much to the suprise of Ganondorf, and he looked at his father from underneath his black bangs and heavy eye-liner. "Like... what?" he asked.

Ganondorf smiled at him. "We can... try to take over Hyrule again. That was pretty fun, huh, my boy?"

Dark Link shrugged. "Yeah. I guess. But I'll have to talk to my mates about it. Band practice, you know? Who has the time to try and take over the world and sing vocals in a screamo band at the same time? I was never one with time management. You know, my father."

"You're in a screamo band?" Ganondorf asked and to that Dark nodded dumbly. "Well, duh, dad. I've been in a band for seventy five years."

"I had no idea." Ganondorf answered glumly, and a great depression hit him and filled his tummy like a heavy meal. He could he not of known? he wondered to himself. He was such a horrible father... spending the whole of his time trying to take over the world and EXTRACT VENGENCE UPON AND SPITE THE DESCENDANT OF THE MAN WHO DARED BRING HIM DOWN. His poor boy was always alone... maybe that's why his little boy had grown so cold. He missed his father...

It was that day that Ganondorf decided that things were going to be different between him and Dark Link from now on. Yes! Things were going to change today! His heart beat in his chest, passionately, and he grabbed his son's gloved hand. "Dark!" he shouted. "You and me!"

Dark looked up at him, confused and a little bit afraid at his father's change in attitude and the change in background music. It was pretty creepy, if you asked him. "You and me... what?" he asked, filled with fear and teenage angst.

"You and me!" Ganondorf continued. "Are going to take over all of Hyrule-nay, son! You and me are going to take over the entire world! And soon after that, the entire universe!"

"Huh.." Dark played through the scenario in his mind, balancing one with another and so forth. The ideas that ran through his mind did not look too promising. His father, bless his heart, was not exactly the best one for this kind of job. Dark would never admit it, however, as it would crush his father. "I don't know..." he tried to wiggle his way out.

"I'll let you kill Link." Ganodorf offered. "This deal won't come around often, you know. I'm very dedicated to my Link killing." he said, not that that the activity had ever happened before, or anything. Ganondorf knew this more than anyone, for sure. It keep him wide awake many nights, moping silently into his pillow.

"Hmmm. Still not sure..."

"And..."

"Yes, father?" Dark asked, feinging innocence.

"R... r... ra.." struggled Ganondorf.

"Say it." Dark Link grinned darkly.

"Rape him?" the King of Evil finally offered. This was exactly what Dark wanted to hear.

"Okay, old man, I'm in!" Dark Link said casually.

"Wonderful, my boy!" Ganondorf said happily, lifting his son up in his arms (with some struggle. Dark was no longer the toddling infant of days past.)

"The entire world will belong to us!" They sang, evil.

_Screen blacks out and music stops at it's highest point._

**okay done. reply tiem.**

**littlebluenayru: There's not going to be any _action_, ever ever. Sorry. I might write something delicious one day, in another story. and I'm definately unfamiliar with Hetalia... I know what is is. but not on the level of actually being able to reference it. what exactly was the reference, may I ask? Anyway, thankyou dear! Huge hilarious scene with the Twili, mayhaps in the next chapter. Still working on it. This is sort of a filler... to make a plot and whatnot. Ahaha.**

**midna hytwilian: sorry. no sex. i r bad. spank me hard.**

**foxpilot: glad to still have you around! and I so happen to like those kinds of scenes, but only if done correctly. I mean... the things I've read. ewwwwww. but no worries. this is not that kind of story, and probably never will be.**

**s.r.h fade: my skillz are grooooowinnnng. thankyou kindly. glad someone can appreciate the master craftsmanship of the thumb joke. it might be the greatest thing I've ever written; the highlight of my artististic career. aspiring artists will study me and my work one day.**

**lightwolf8: yeah. stupid square. triangles are where it's at.**

**ryuchie: thankyou my darling. I wonder what will happen next? no. seriously. I don't know either. Cross your fingers and hope for something lol-erific!**


	19. The Link Meets the Twili Chapter

**Hello again to you all. Back for another sexy installation of TGTPFFITHOE! lol. hoe.**

**Last chapter I made the dreaded mistake of combining my personal life with my fan fiction life. Terribly sorry for that. If anyone is wondering, me and that girl made up and are on friendly terms. See? Jippers ain't such a bitch afterall! but, anyway, that won't happen again. Thank you to those who pointed it out.**

**So, here is the next sexy (but not really) chapter. I put no effort into it; just the way you like it. **

**The Greatest Twilight Princess Fan Fiction in the History of Ever**

**Chapter 18: The Link Meets the Twili Chapter**

In was a fuc... I mean, it was a fantastic day to be in the Twilight Realm... well... that only applied to anyone who wasn't Link. Which was pretty much everyone, except for Link. Link was having a pretty sucky day, if you asked him. He was flushed down a toilet, had a twimometer shoved up where the sun don't shine, and had even lost his hat. Somewhere... it was all very confusing for the Hero of Twilight, and he could really use a hug right about now...

...but the hug was nowhere to be found. So the Hero had to make due with what ever he had. Which wasn't much, by the way, he felt so naked without his hat... he hoped the thing wasn't too lonely without his cranium underneath it. He sure did miss Hatty...

"Link!" Midna snapped loudly. Her screeching voice brought him back into reality. Link cringed. There was one thing that he didn't miss when Midna was away.

"What?" the Hero asked grumpily as he held his abused ears.

Midna noticed this quickly, and slapped him on the back of the head firmly but gently. He glared at her but she ignore it. "What crawled up your ass and died?" she asked. "I was only explaining the mannerisms and ways of conduct in the Twilight Realm. I thought it would help you, you know, as you're about to meet my entire court."

"What?" Link repeated, although this time, however, he was open mouthed with suprise. Like he was trying to eat a fly. It was a nice face.

"Yeah," the princess continued. "but you had to be all Little Miss Bitchy Pants about it and you ignored me. _Which is pretty inconvenient because now we're here_!" she said speedily as she, by some great feat of strenght and raw power, opened the Doors of Twilight into the Throne Room of Twilight.

"What?" Link asked for the bajillionth time this chapter. It was getting really annoying, quickly, but he didn't notice... He was too busy _flippin' the fuck out bro!_

"Are you ready?" Midna asked, for reassurance.

"No." Link said.

"Okay, here we go!" Midna said, and she took Link by the arm like a sweetheart and began to drag him around the place like a puppy dog.

Here Link meet numerous people. They were all, suprisingly, incredibly attractive... as far as creepy alien people went. Link remembered the last time he was here; everyone used to be ugly blobs of sadness. There wasn't much about them worth looking at at all. The Twili used to be rotund, white eyed, bald, and moaning. Now they were thin, eclectic eyed, with majestic hair and with voices like euphanies. He wondered what had changed.

Midna introduced Link to Farladockaheemlis, who was Midna's advisor or counselor or something else she never needed. He was a tall bodied man with a short orange beard, and yellow eyes that looked down at Link judgingly. The man smiled at Midna.

"Farladockaheemlis," Midna said to Farladockaheemlis. "This is Link."

Farladockaheemlis shook hands with Link, but not before inclining his tall body downwards some. Link pretended not to notice as he took Farladockaheemlis's hand.

"It's nice to meet you, Farladockaheemlis." said Link.

"Farladockaheemlis," Midna started. "Link is from the Light Realm.

"From the Light Realm, you say, princess?" Farladockaheemlis inquired. "How very interesting." he said before he slapped Link across the face, spat on him, and walked away calmly. The duo watched him leave the room silently.

Midna looked at Link. "Well..." she said. "I think he likes you! I knew bringing you here was a great idea!"

"What are you talking about woman?" Link yelled. "He slapped me and spat on my face!"

"Yeah, so?" Midna asked. "I did the same thing to you when we first met."

"It's mean!" cried Link before he stormed off tearfully, face in his hands.

People stared at Link as he left, and Midna called out an exasperated: "Come on, hunny! They'll warm up to you eventually!" but Link hadn't heard her. Midna was about to chase after her love, but another voice called for her attention. She instantly recognized the voice, and she turned around happily.

It was her best friend! Her best friend Melanjockalawnie! "Melanjockalanie!" Midna said happily, embracing her friend. Melanjockalawnie was a woman about Midna's age (Twenty-four. Yeah. Midna's a cougar.) with glowing red hair and sparkling yellow eyes. She wasn't as pretty as Midna though. AND NEVER WOULD BE DAMMIT.

"Girl! I haven't seen you since that one time Zant took over the Twilight Realm!" Midna greeted and they laughed happily at the fond memory for a few seconds, before lightly indulging in delicious conversation.

"Oh em gee, Mids." Melanjockalawnie giggled. "Who was the, like, one guy you were with?"

"Farldockaheemlis?" Midna guessed.

"No, girl!" her friend whose named was really hard to spell and didn't make any logical sense at all or ever will answered. "The other guy. The short one with the Scottish accent."

"You mean the one who ran outside crying?" Midna guessed again.

"Yeah, girl, he's cute! Can you hook a girl up?" Melanjockalawnie asked.

Midna interjected, and said: "Girl, please! You best not be thinking about touching what is rightfully mine."

"I don't see your name on 'im." Mel-whatever challenged.

"That's because you weren't looking down enough." said Midna.

"Whatever, girl. Soooo," Melwhatever changed the subject, giving up. "What's his name?"

"Link." Midna answered, and they both giggled. "He's from the Light Realm."

"Light Realm?" Mel asked curiously.

"Yeah." Midna said. "Please don't slap him the next time you see him... or spit on him."

"I didn't know you were into those kind of guys." Mel whispered, leaning into Midna as if they were talking about something forbidden. Like a fruit. "Are you really?"

"Girl, that's my boo you're talking about!" Midna whispered loudly, angered. No one talked shit about Link, except for her ofcourse. He liked it.

Mel put her hands up in defense, nearly in tears. "I'm just saying, girl. It could be his... white magic or something putting you under some whitey love spell or something. I care about you, Mids, we're best friends."

"Yeah." Midna said flatly. "Try _were _best friends, you ugly bitch. I love Link and that's all there is to it!" She stormed off after Link, finally, but not before turning around and slapping Mel in the face and spitting on her. It was very rude.

"Poor Midna." Mel gasped. She had to do something to help her friend. It was obvious she was delusional. Poor Midna... under that Scottish (or was he Irish? ...Mexican, maybe?) dudes evil love spell of evilness. No wonder Midna had been so depressed before, moping around about her _wolf _or whatever.

Mel decided that she had to take immediate action in order to save Midna. "I got it!" she said in realization. "I'll go get Farl-farla-farlahwhatever! Fuck this!" Mel paused. "...I'mma go get help! Fuck!" and she stormed of to find Farla-whatever.

**I don't know why Twili-fan characters are so pretty. Have you seen the actual Twili? Yeah. Midna is a anamoly. and the long names. That doesn't happen much, but they are meant to sound foreign. Despite Twili like Midna's (Midnight.) names not being unique at all. **

**Oh yeah. And this chapter is racist. Link uses his white magic to get Midna to love him. SORRY WHITE PEOPLE.**

**shawties like a melody in my something something something reply tiem.**

**RiderlessWolf****: yeah. The "and a rapist" line was as if a light from heaven lit above me. thankyou. let the race to raep lank beginzzzz.**

**TheGunslinger82****: indeed. LINK BETTUH WATCH HIMSELF.**

**sum1 u don't kno****: ...**

**Midna Hytwilian****: mhmmmmm. ;D can't blame you. he does rape puppies, afterall.**

**Little Blue Nayru****: When I think of the thumb joke, I think of that one time on Spongebob where the Flying Dutchman took off his thumb like Link did and Squidward was all like "Noooo! That's impossible!" (smiley) Thanks for setting me straight on the whole "no plot" deal. I almost went down the wrong path. Can't have that, now can we? nope, nope.**

**Foxpilot****: More apathetic than usual? Oh noes. naw, I'm fine. And what's that about yelling? WHAT THE HELL MAN? WHY WOULD I YELL AND WRITE IN CAPSLOCK AND GOSH? GUUUUH! Yeah, no. And poor ol Ganondorf. Instead of... you knowing with Zelda, they have a nice little chat about their life issues and he cries for a little bit, then Link barges in and yadda yadda yadda. So misunderstood.**


	20. The Link Almost Gets Killed Chapter

The Greatest Twilight Princess Fan Fiction in the History of Ever

**Chapter 20: The Link Almost Gets Killed Chapter**

… but that's practically every chapter, am I right?

by Jippers

Hey guys. Sorry it's been forever since an update. Being a college bound Senior sucks. I need to do more important things right now, but I figured that I could try to squeeze out a chapter. Take my mind off of things do something stupid. I hope you're all doing well and thanks for being so patient about updates. You guys are the best reviewers a fan girl could ever ask for!

here's the next not so funny installment...

* * *

Midna casually sauntered down the hallways of her private quarters, looking for any sign indicating that Link, the love of her life, might have been here. This past day has been rather difficult for her poor wolf. Their encounter with Farlawhatever had caused him to storm off in tears. She'd figured that it would help if she were to give him some comfort… if you know what I mean, jellybean.

She eventually found him sobbing in a corner, of all places, next to her bed in her… bedroom. She grinned internally, _He's taken a liking to my bed already, has he?_ she thought, before tapping Link on the shoulder to get his attention. He must not have noticed her, the ignorant little fool, because when her hand finally made contact with his skin, he jumped in surprise and let out a small holler. Link turned to look at her, his beastly eyes red and puffy, but quickly turned back around to resume his crying. What a weenie.

Midna's eyes narrowed in contempt. The Twilight Princess certainly did not appreciate being ignored, no matter how moody and depressed Link felt at the moment. So someone slapped him across the face and spit on him? Big fucking deal. If she were him, she would have already built a bridge, and gotten the hell over it by now. Midna couldn't believe that Link had taken the assault so seriously. He usually didn't act like such a cry baby… or a teenage girl. The Link she remembered from their adventure had been strong and competent; a spit in the face certainly wouldn't have put him in this kind of mood. His naive sensitivity to everything that has happened to him left Midna in a state of both wonder and confusion, and not the good kind.

"Link," she growled, her tone fierce (like Tyra Banks.) but even (not like Tyra Banks.). "Get up."

Link didn't. "No," he said, crawling further into his little ball of self-pity.

"Get up. Right now." Midna commanded, and reached out for his shoulder and gave it a light pull.

"No…" Link repeated, nut unfurling.

"Now." she ordered again. If one didn't know any better, they would think that Midna, the master, was ordering around Link, a puppy. But then again… "Link, get up, right now or else I'll bring out your leash and muzzle."

Obviously fazed, Link stood up and wiped his face. Then he gave Midna a precious little smile, as if he was never crying in the first place. Midna smiled back, she had a way with people that not many others did. It was helpful during times such as these. Quickly, she and Link cluttered each other's hands tenderly, the fingers linked (pun intended) together in a loving embrace, and they walked out of her room into the world outside.

Suddenly out of nowhere… BAM! PLOT, BITCHES!

Link stood, bent over from the waste, underneath a guillotine, arms bound together and his head locked into place. He took in his surroundings, noticing a rather nice woven basket where he guessed his head would be deposited into when… you know…

"Woah!" Link breathed. "What the hell just happened?" he asked to no one in particular. Just then, Farlawhatever walked up to Link. Link looked up at him, "Hey, man, what the hell?" he asked, gesturing to his locked arms. He didn't remember agreeing to this… he didn't even remember the events that lead up this this in the first place, actually… but he digressed. He had other things to worry about, after all, like the giant fucking blade hovering over his head, at the risk of dropping down at any second and totally chopping his head off and all of that crap. What ever. Maybe Midna was just in one of her moods and this whole thing was just some sick, twisted...

Anyway, Farlawhatever looked surprised at Link's question. "Isn't it obvious?" he asked back, momentarily causing Link to believe in his earlier theory. However, Farlawhatever quickly silenced that notion when he then stated: "We're going to chop your head off." in a not very nice mannerism. Way to drop the bomb on that one, asshole. To that, Link looked at him blankly, his eyes blinking. "Well, you see, we're going to use this giant blade, above your head, and when we pull this rope, it's going to drop down and…"

"I know what it does!" Link yelled, struggling in his binds.

"Oh," Farlawhatever replied. "Then why bother asking, child? It's really rude to waste people's time by asking stupid little questions like that. We could have already taken care of this by now, you know, if you just kept your nasty little Light-Dweller mouth closed and let everything take care of itself."

"Oh yeah," Link apologized sincerely. "My bad. I'll stop bothering you now."

"Thank you kindly." Farlawhatever replied with gratitude. Turning away from the Hero, he lifted his hand to signal the A-okay to the executioner-ist guy or whatever the hell he was to let go of the rope and let everyone here see what they came here for: prejudiced violence against innocent minorities. Good stuff, bro, good stuff.

As the guillotine thingy was about the chop off Link's head, an echoing voice echoed through out the crowd.

"Hey, stop that." The voice said.

"Okay." said the executioner, and they stopped.

"Hey," Link spoke. "I know that voice."

Midna approached the group. "Goddammit Farlawhatever." she yelled. "I go to the bathroom for five minutes, and I come back to find you trying to kill my boyfriend."

"Boyfriend?" screamed Farlawhatever, horrified.

"Boyfriend?" screamed Link, excited.

"Bathroom?" screamed the executioner, confused.

Midna continued on with her speech, however: "I thought you got over this phase when we graduated from high school." she told Farlawhatever. "I can see now that that is certainly not the case. I'm disappointed in you man, not angry, just disappointed." She shook her head sadly.

"Midna…" Farlawhatever began "I'm sorry… it's just that… ever since you started dating other men, I've always felt this jealousy, and it's starting to eat me up inside. I'm sorry I tried to kill your boyfriend…"

"Which is me." Link interjected.

"and I'm sorry that I spit in his face…"

"Which is me." Link repeated.

"…and I'm sorry that I raped your dog."

"Which was also me." Link added, emotionlessly.

Farlawhatever continued. "Midna, what I'm actually trying to say is… I love you."

Midna stared blankly at him. She was obviously unfazed by this heartfelt confession.

Farlawhatever noticed this. "Yeah," he said to the executioner. "She's not getting it. Release the rope."

"Okay." he said, and let the blade fall down and slice Link's head off his shoulders.

"Ow." Link said, before he died… and then he died.

"Oh no!1" Midna screamed.

* * *

**to be continued... ****UPDATES EVENTUALLY. I KINDA KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH THIS BUT I NEED TIME! I NEED MOAR TIEM1! okay. You totally won't expect what is going to happen next... or do you...? Yeah, you probably do.**

**...OMG LINK DYED!**

**... and it only took half a year for me to write it. smiley face.**


	21. The I Don't Know What to Call This Chapt

The Greatest Twilight Princess Fan Fiction in the History of Ever

**Chapter 21: The I Don't Know What to Call This Chapter**

by Jippers.

Hello there, blah blah blah sorry about never updating and leaving it off with a cliffhanger. I do it for the lulz and because I… accidentally maybe forgot what I wanted to write in the first place. Then I thought to myself "…what would a Midlinker do?" but then I quickly disregarded that question because what a Midlinker would do was so fucking obvious that it didn't even qualify as a question, but common knowledge. So I moved on to "…what would Jippers do?" The answer was: procrastinate, and never ever update and bull shit absolutely every thing when you actually start writing. Instant fan fiction gold. Internet fame. Bitches. So, you see…

Well, any way, here it be...

* * *

It was like the world was moving in slow motion. Link was DEAD. He was so totally fucking dead that it wasn't even fucking funny. He had dropped dead faster than a hooker on smack in the middle of rush hour. He was as dead as dead could possibly ever be. He was totally dead, bro, dead as a goddam doornail. He was a dead head. He was totally dead like on one of those television drama shows that have someone who totally dies. And for some reason the world was moving in slow motion… because Link was DEAD.

Time resumed its normal pace, and Midna watched as Links (not alive) head roll on the floor in all of its dead glory, until it came to a complete stop by her feet. It was actually pretty disgusting, if you thought really hard about it (I know that as a Zelda fan that you probably don't have to think all that hard too often, so don't feel bad if you're not up to the challenge… just keep reading the story… it's okay), but Midna really didn't seem to care at that moment. No, no, she was far too occupied with crying her eyes out because the love of her life had just been decapitated by the previous love of her life. She'll never have another.

Her crystal-like tears glistened in the twilight, and one single tear made it's way down her cheek. It hovered in the air like a magical princess rainbow unicorn, until it slowly and magically descended downwards (Redundancy.) to her feet, where Link's decapitated head lay still. The tear caressed his slowly dimming and chilled cheek, before giving it a big ol' smooch or something… well, anyway, it was on his cheek. It quickly disappeared in a small flash of light; it's brilliance being absorbed by Link's icky dead skin. Nothing happened after that.

After waiting half a second or two, Midna grew bored and shrugged the whole ordeal off of her shoulders. Her tears always acted in mysterious ways, their actions ranged from breaking mirrors to doing her laundry. And now they gained a new skill, it seemed: floating down to and kissing her dead boyfriends… Midna could honestly care less. She had learned early in her life to simply ignore the stupid things and all of their silly little antics. They wanted attention and Midna wasn't willing to give.

She was about to order that some servants come and clean the body up from the floor, until a striking ray of light surrounded the entire room. An angelical chorus played in the background and everyone turned their heads to awe at what the commotion could possibly be. The light had dimmed as quickly as it had appeared, and before anyone knew it the light had left. Midna blinked her eyes open slowly, fazed by the light show, and focused her attention to where the light had sprouted.

In front of the Door of Twilight stood, in all of his beautifulness and very much alive-li-ness, was…

… The Twilight Realms very own pizza delivery boy! Well equipped with all kinds of pizzas decorated with an assortment of toppings! How fucking delicious! Midna gasped in joy and rushed towards the lad as if her very life depended on it, with everyone in the room shouting and cheering along with her. "Pizza's here!" she screamed, having forgotten that she had ordered some for the Royal Dinner of Twilight tonight. The pizza boy was lifted into the air, boxes among boxes of pizza held in his scrawny arms, and he was carried away to the Banquet Room of Twilight. Everyone else there, including Midna, followed suit.

Nobody noticed Link.

The feast that occurred that night was one of the grandest in all of Twili history. It would forever be recorded in the history books… forced to be studied in schools by all of the Twili children yet to come. The young pizza delivery boy was given a place in the castle, and a statue fit for a king was built in his very image and honor. Millions for would remember him as long as the world lived. Even Midna, The Great Queen of Twilight, had eventually faded within time, but the pizza boy was forever an immortal figure. It was truly a beautiful, glorious night…

The next morning Midna was cuddled up in her bed, the snuggly wuggly blankets wrapped around her super model form. She was sleeping peacefully, a box of leftover pizza in the fridge… waiting to be delightfully microwaved and consumed for breakfast… and all was right in the world. Life was pretty sweet for the princess… she had everything that a princess could ever ask for: a warm bed, servants to boss around, delicious food, a loving boyfriend…. oh shit.

Just then, totally unexpectedly, Link burst through the door. His big blue eyes were wide open (why were they open?) and they glared at her in fury. In a huff, he marched over to Midna, arms at his sides. He stopped at the foot of her bed, and after a moment he opened his mouth and screamed at the top of his lungs: "I'M… NOT… FUCKING… DEAD!"

Midna sat up from her bed and waved her fingers at him. "Oh, hi there, Link. What's up?"

"What's up?" Link repeated, imitating Midnas high-pitched voice. Though when he tried to do it his voice cracked. Midna suppressed a giggle snort at him because she didn't want him to feel further butt hurt. He started on a little tirade: "I'll tell you what's up, Midna, okay, I'm here in this stupid alternate dimension, where every one pretty much hates me and wants to fucking kill me, and the one person who I thought I could actually trust and depend on leaves me for dead! And then I wake up several hours later, on the ground with a tear stained cheek! I'm totally not alluding to what somehow caused me to come back to life or anything! Then, just when I thought that things couldn't get any worse: I walk into the kitchen to get something to eat, only to hear about the _totally fucking sweet pizza party man_ that you guys had last night! Did anyone ever stop to consider that maybe ol' Link would like to have a slice of pizza? No, because Link's just a doormat! He doesn't have any feelings! We can just put the leftovers in the fridge and he can heat up a slice in the microwave tomorrow if he wants any! Fuck, no! I would not like your cold, nasty leftovers, you horrible, horrible people! It never tastes the same the second day! Okay? That's what's up, Midna, THAT! Okay?"

"Oh, Link…"

"I JUST HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS!" Link screamed, before falling forward onto Midna's bed, where he then proceeded to sob like a 12-year-old girl. Midna said nothing, and simply patted and ran her hand down his back like the good friend that she never was, though she did consider acting as such on a few occasions… Well, anyway, Midna was comforting Link because she felt bad for him and stuff. Though, her consolations only seemed to have the opposite effect on him; though she tried her hardest to console him, Link only cried and sobbed louder.

"That's okay, Link… just let it all out. Uncle Midna is here to support you." Midna said. Link looked up at her with teary eyes and boogers running down his face. Midna cooed at how adorable he looked, and petted his head. "Just tell ol' Midna what's on your weary little mind."

Link sniffled. With some hesitance, he then began to explain his predicament: "It's… just… that… no body under… stands me… and they hurt my… feelings… and are… really mean!" but that was as far as he made it, before bursting into tears once again. Midna tried to comfort the young adult, but he was inconsolable… like an infant on an airplane… wait, what was a plane anyway? Whatever.

Deciding that she had to step in and intervene, Midna grabbed Link by the shoulders. "Listen, Link," she said, shaking him gently. "_I love you_."

* * *

**OOOOOHHHHHH OH MY GOD SHE SAID THAT SHE LOVES HIM OH MY GOD IS SHE ALLOWED TO DO THAT HAS THIS EVER HAPPENED BEFORE OH SWEET BABY JESUS. THAT'LL SHUT HIM UP... FOR A SECOND. Okay, so that's this years chapter. I will start on the next one... eventually. You guys really are fabulous. **

**I love you so much that I need to ask you something: What should be the name of Midna and Links daughter (yes daughter because they always have a daughter and are incapable of having a male child.)? It has to be ridiculous so give it some thought and share! The person whose name I pick gets a surprise! Which for all you know could be absolutely nothing! Yeah!**

Review Repliezzzzzz

**HelenRox98: **Thanks bra, I am super happy you liek et.

**Hikaru Hyouishi:** Thank you for that image of a half-naked greased up Link...

**Insane. certifiably:** No.

**Ryuchie:** Poor Link. Update soon? HAHAHAH! You funny!

**ZDSKRF:** My rip-off inspired a rip-off? Oh my god all my dreams are coming true...

**Llwynog the Bard:** You are speechless...

**Foxpilot:** Less drinking than New Years Eve? There could be more drinking, if you want. Was the bar chapter not enough? Well, thank you. Your reviews are some of my favorites (That is absolutely meant as an insult to everyone else who reviewed.) I didn't check for tenses in this chapter and for that I am terribly sorry... kittens and puppies... muhhh...

**SRH Fade:** YOU are golden! winky face.

**LittleBlueNayru:** Oh my god shut up my feelings... sniffle. Yeah. But now I'm in college now so I can blame never updating on that. smiley face.

**MidnaHytwilian:** Dawwwww...


	22. The Kissy Kissy Suck Face Chapter

**The Greatest Twilight Princess Fan Fiction in the History of Ever**

**Chapter 22: The Kissy Kissy Suck Face Chapter**

_Written by Jippers_

Look you guys. This is like… my third chapter this year. Aren't you lucky? You can sit down, though; there is no need to thank me. I'm doing it because I love you and because I've always wanted to write an extremely erotic and questionable chapter for this fic. Don't worry, though, there is nothing too intense going on here. No… wait… I am _sorry_ that there is nothing too intense going on here.

Also, I was re-reading this whole story thing and I was all like "Goddam, I'm hilarious." Which was soon accompanied by the realization that I really haven't gotten any better at writing. Oh my god. ALSO AGAIN, this story recently had it's 2nd birfday!

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"You… you what?" Link asked, and backed away from Midna slowly. He looked up at the princess with wide eyes, obviously shocked by this sudden confession.

"What?" Midna asked. She didn't hear his response.

"I said 'you what?'" Link explained, and whipped his nose.

"Oh, okay." Midna said, having heard him this time. "…What were we talking about?"

Link gave her a blank look. "I don't remember." He said, scratching the top of his head. "Something about pudding?" he threw in, hopeful.

Midna thought about it for a second, and placed her hand on her chin. "Well, I _do_ very much like pudding." She said, and she and Link gave each other a secret look. "You wanna go get some? I'll pay because you're poor and don't have any money." She reached out her hand to him, and he grabbed it with his own without a second thought. They were about to exit her bedroom when something occurred. "Oh shit!" Midna yelled. "I remember what we were talking about now!" and to that Link smiled, but Midna shook her head sadly. "And no, Link, it wasn't about pudding."

Link frowned at this, but Midna wasn't done: "It was something way more important than pudding. Link," she said, looking him dead on in his totally beastly blue eyes. There was still some tear residue in the corners… "Link, I love you." She said to him, in an uncharacteristically soft voice.

"You… you what?" Link asked, and backed away from Midna slowly. He looked up at the princess with wide eyes, obviously shocked by this sudden confession.

"I love you." Midna repeated. "I always have. I love you more than anything."

"Oh, Midna!" Link yelled, before jumping into her welcoming arms. They embraced one another, Link wrapped his arms around Midna's neck tenderly, and Midna placed her hands on Link's ass… tenderly. They pulled slightly apart from one another; their eyes sparkled brilliantly in the morning light. They gave one another the most intense look they could manage, and slowly but surely… their lips locked together. They fit perfectly.

Midna and Link sucked faced for a few minutes, before they parted to get back some oxygen. Midna herself knew that some lovers were attracted to suffocating one another in times of intimacy… but she still couldn't figure out if Link was one of those people… well, anyway, they stopped kissing each other for a second. They had a second make out session, where they touched and groped each other as much as a T rated fan fiction would allow them to. After one last suck, they pulled away from each other, their faces hot and panting. There was so much sexual tension.

"I can go get my Zora tunic on if you want!" Link offered, but Midna shook her head. That would have to wait, for another day…

"No, Link," Midna answered, "I have…" she panted, "some brand new china in the cabinets." They pulled away from each other for a few moments, while Midna walked over to where she had stashed her fine china. She grabbed multiple plates and ornate cups, and placed them onto her dresser. She nodded her head at Link, which he returned, and they locked lips once again, and this time they clutched onto to each other and moved around the room blindly. Midna pushed Link onto the dresser, where he smashed into the china, breaking it. The loud noises from expensive dinner wear breaking only added to their uncontrolled passion.

Just then there was a knock on the door. Midna and Link pulled away from one another, their lust temporarily shoved into a corner with no hope of release. Midna skipped over to her door and swung it wide open to greet the new arrival. Maybe it was one of her special associates and maybe they could… well, anyway, Midna opened the door. It wasn't one of her special associates. It her (ex) BFF Melanjokalanie. That bitch.

"What do you want bitch?" Midna asked, a frown apparent on her creepy alien like face.

Melanjocklanie was red at the face and she was panting heavily. It was probably from that run she took up those two whole flights of stairs. They really need to seriously consider installing an elevator or something into this castle. "Midna!" she shrieked. "Something terrible has happened!"

"Can it wait? I'm kind of… occupied." Midna asked, gesturing to Link, who sat there stupidly.

"No! This is important!" Melanface explained. "Please Midna! We were best friends! I need your help!"

Midna gave her ex-friend the most sincere look she could muster. Something really horrible must have happened to make Mel (because fuck this I'm tired of typing that name.) act this way. Something so horrible, that she was forced to swallow whatever pride she might have possessed, and crawl all the way over here to beg in her face like a pathetic little worm. Midna's heart reached out to her, they were, after all, best friends since forever. They've known each other forever and had spent the entirety of their lives together. They were inseparable. At least, they once were. But then in a sudden flood of passion, Midna looked over at Link: her lover and totally new and better BFF. She smiled, and then turned back to Mel.

Midna placed her hand on the doorframe, and leaned on it casually. She looked at her nails, as if she was incredibly bored with Mel, before she finally replied: "Yeah, no. I'm going to have sex with my hot boyfriend. Bye." That was all she said before slamming the door in Mel's face.

Midna then proceeded to have sex with her hot boyfriend.

It was very passionate.

No china dishes survived.

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Okay so it was possibly shorter than usual. but idk. There was less of a gap between this update and the last one. So nyuuuuuu.

**LittleBlueNayru**: NU. COLLEGE IS SO FUN. but i dun liek the work. :c Thank you as always for your flames U BICH. & lol. is this Link considered shota? because if that's the case I just might be a pedophile. :c no shame, though, no shame.

**Insane. certifiably**: omg lol I love the "Midna's daughter" idea. And gankiwhatever is a fucking great name. my favorite so far.

**Foxpilot**: You're the only one here who cares about my grammar and nail clippers.

**THE-complete-zelda-fan**: AND. I. LOVE. BURRITOS. That is all. jk thank you.

**Midna Hytwilian**: You may. But only if you take him out for dinner first. And no pizzerias. He ironically hates pizza.

**DFKJR**: Hey! How bout Dr. Ganon Weed? Yeah, DoorXDoor sounds like it would be pretty hot. But you know... all good things happen to those who wait. Possibly forever...


	23. The Not Really a Chapter Chapter

Hey guys! It's me Jippers. So it's nearly been a year since my last update (But were you all expecting anything more from me? Don't be so dumb.) and I probably hurt your feelings quite a bit by updating with this Not Really a Chapter Chapter. I have to say that…

NO WAIT COME BACK.

Okay, so I have to say that I've been thinking about something for quite awhile now. I first started writing this story nearly three years ago; I was just a wee little baby! And there are some parts of it I am not too particularly fond of. ONE SPECIFICALLY is The Bad Guy Plans Crap Chapter where I naively used rape as the punchline. I'm embarrassed at the mere thought of how insensitive that "joke" could be to many people, and the fact that I wrote it. I mean, I'll take a punch at almost anything-but now I feel that there was a line crossed, that shouldn't of been. I'm sorry.

With that example out of the way IT IS TIME FOR THE ACTUAL POINT OF THIS NOT REALLY A CHAPTER CHAPTER.

The Greatest Twilight Princess Fanfiction Ever is….

Going to be…

COMPLETELY REWRITTEN FROM SCRATCH.

Yes, it's all one hundred thousand percent true. I'm starting this bad bitch from the beginning. I've changed a lot these past few years, lemme tell you.

I think it would just great if I started over. It obviously wouldn't take me another three years… seeing as most of the story has already been written. It'll still be awful and raunchy as all hell, but hopefully it'll be something I'm happy with (and you guys too, I guess.) There's just so many clichés that I missed-I want to get in as much as I possibly can!

Please bear with me just a little bit longer… my babies… please…

Consider it part of the parody. THERE WILL BE MILLIONS OF REWRITES. MILLIONS.

Okay.

I'll be uploading it as an entirely new story, so keep your eyes peeled for it, if you're still interested (and you'd better fucking still be interested).

See you hot bitches soon.


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